Trade Secrets

The Intern

2006-08-22T17:30:00.000-07:00

Once upon a noonday dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary,Over many a quaint and curious webpage of forgotten lore - There I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,As of some one gently rapping, rapping at on my boss’s door“’Tis some visitor, “I muttered, “tapping at my boss’s door -
Only this and nothing more.”
Ah, distinctly I remember it was in the bleak December,And each passing feature wrought its ghost upon the floor.Eagerly I wished the morrow; - vainly I had sought to borrowFrom the Trades surcease of sorrow – sorrow from this dreadful bore - For that rare and radiant anything that could break this dreadful bore
- Nameless here for evermore.

Open here I flung the shutter, when, with many a sigh and mutter,In there shuffled a lowly Intern from the offices next door;Not the least obeisance made he; not an instant stopped or stayed he;But with mien of star or leading lady, leaned against my boss’s door.Leaned against a bust of Goldwyn just above my boss’s door
- Leaned, and simpered, and nothing more.

Then this unpaid student beguiling my sad fancy into smiling,By the grave and stern decorum of the countenance he wore,“Though thy shirt be wrecked and wrinkled, thou,” I said “art sure no craven,Ghastly grim and clueless Intern wandering from the offices next door - Tell me what thy lordly name is on the Night’s Plutonian shore!”
Quoth the Intern, “Nevermore.”

But the Intern still beguiling all my sad soul into smiling,Straight I wheeled an orthopedic chair in front of kid and bust and door;
Then, upon the vinyl sinking, I betook myself to linking Fancy unto fancy, thinking what this lowly student of films of yore - What this grim, ungainly, ghastly, student from the office next door.
Meant in croaking, “Nevermore.”
This I sat engaged in guessing, but no syllable expressingTo the kid whose lazy eyes now burned into my bosom’s core;This and more I sat divining, with my head at ease reclining On the cushion’s vinyl lining that the florescent-light gloated o’er
But whose sweaty vinyl lining the florescent-lights gloated o’er,
“My boredom shall press, ah, nevermore!”

Then, methought, the air grew denser, perfumed from an unseen censerSwung by bosses whose foot-falls tinkled on the tufted floor.“Wretch,” I cried, “My employer has lent thee – by an email he hathsent thee!Respite – respite and nepenthe from my abysmal bore;What oh what the hell is nepenthe?” I did then have cause to roar.
Quoth the Intern, “Nevermore.”

“Prophet!” said I, “thing of evil! – prophet still, if boss or devil!Whether Tempter sent, or whether agency tossed thee here ashore,Desolate yet all undaunted, in this deserted office granted - On my desk by Horror haunted – tell me truly, I implore - Is there – is there anything for me to do? Tell me – tell me, I implore!”
Quoth the Intern, “Nevermore!”

And the Intern, never working, still is sitting, still is smirkingOn the pallid bust of Goldwyn just beside my boss’s door;And his eyes have all the seeming of an executive’s that’s Scheming,And the florescent-light on him streaming throws his shadow on the floor;And in my boredom I lie there simpering, whimpering on the floor
It shall be lifted – Nevermore!

Nudity In The Theatre

2006-05-11T10:03:00.000-07:00

I was just speaking to some oldish friends about one of the most time honored traditions of American Theatre - Nudity on stage. The question at hand is simple - what's the deal? While I am all for certain types of nudity, the last thing I want to see is a bunch of Naked People prancing around during All My Sons while I'm watching with my parents. At the same time, who am I to tell you that doing a rendition of Seven Brides for Seven Brothers au natural wouldn't be inspired. Or a prelude to a porn flick.

This is not my first foray into this hot button issue. Many people don’t know this, but I originally wanted to do Lysistrata completely in the buff (the actors and actresses, not me – that would be stupid) but a committee made up the dance department, the young republicans, and DISA really put the kibosh on that one. I know what you’re thinking: why would the dance department want to stop my hot Greek action? Apparently their charter with the University states that the Dance department has a strangle hold on all inappropriate nudity during a school sanctioned event. You can’t fight with policy. If you do, you disappear.

I suggested a line of specialty glasses that would be given to the audience before the show started. The show progresses as normal but just before an uncomfortable nudity scene, the stage manager can flip a switch…suddenly a red light starts to blink just above the stage. This is the 10 second warning light, informing the audience that the faint of heart should now slip on said glasses. You see, the glasses would have black bars painted across sections of the lenses creating, in effect, a personalized sensor system or PSS. I had to halt development in the PSS when we couldn’t figure out how to handle the actors moving around on the stage or people sitting in any position but dead center. Not being able to perfect the PSS might very well be my greatest regret from school.

I think nudity is a welcome convention for the stage as long as the women (come on, who wants to see a guy, bare-assed and fancy free) strutting around are consummate professionals who understand the aesthetic value of the nudity in “the world of the play.” And are smoking hot. At the same time, I think that seeing such a spectacle with ones wife, while in some circles could be a prelude to enriching discourse, might very well be one of the worst experiences I can imagine.

But that’s just this humble man’s opinion.

Ruminations

2006-02-14T11:09:00.000-08:00

The internet can be pretty cool. In the perfect society, we could use the internet to communicate across distances and to break down barriers like race and culture that traditionally have been hindered by things like language and flags and national pastimes. I can learn about the history of Cypress and use this experience to take apart my own innate and completely human misinterpretations and misconceptions about the region and craft a better, more informed world view. A child in Moscow can learn to read English, or French, or Portuguese and become the greatest writer his adoptive language has ever known. Folks of a political bend – be they premieres or presidents, abortion activists or save the whales saboteurs – can take the bully pulpit and speak to the people, waiving their banners for all to see. Inner city kids can learn about Da Vinci, hillbillies can stream the Berlin Philharmonic, and enterprising do-it-your-selfers could find out how to reassemble the garbage disposal.

Unfortunately all we seem to use it for is porn and downloading music.

These are of course very important functions of society, and I would challenge anyone to find me a civilization that failed to become great when porn and music were so readily available. It’s impossible I tell you.

In our modern world I can find out nearly anything about anything with a high speed connection and a few clicks of my mouse. Notice I said nearly everything. The problem with the internet is that it’s just too damn big, but it’s not so big as to encompass the sum total of all human knowledge. And when I say some total I mean everything. Not just the history of American Apple farming, but the phone number for Mr. Cho’s, the Business faxes for awning companies in Berlin, and all manner of miscellany.

It’s a cruel joke really. We assume that in this age of information we can go online and find out anything we may want to know, and while there have been some great advances in collecting and codifying Everything, we aren’t quite there yet. And that means that when the net does fail us, when after 10 to 15 minutes of active searching and googling you are still not getting the answer to your most recent burning question we have no flipping clue what to do next. If it’s not on the internet, it must not exist. If it does somehow exist and it’s still not showing up in an online search, then it must not be worth knowing, right?

Apparently not, or so my boss tells me. Apparently when she asks for some bit of information – be it a phone number or an address or a product name - , she doesn’t want to hear that it doesn’t exist regardless of what Google says. So here’s the question: in a world where we aren’t just addicted to the net but dependant on it for answers for simple every day questions, what the hell are we supposed to do when it falls short?

No Kidding?

2006-01-18T15:08:00.000-08:00

Seriously, is this a joke.

It isn't is it. It's real. Oh god...

WTF???

2006-01-18T15:04:00.000-08:00

Ice Skating with celebrities? What the hell? Where did that come from? Sweet Jesus!

Sick Face

2006-01-03T12:01:00.000-08:00

I've had a cold for about a week now.

There is something strange about Adult Illness. When I say “Adult Illness” I don’t mean to draw a direct comparison to what you could call Child Illness. I guess I don't mean to cite specific types of illness that are felt in adults more then kids. Instead, I mean illness one gets soon after becoming an adult, after one has left the immediate vicinity of home and must depend on ones self to get better. For me, Adult Illness is a state of mind. And it's not good.

I can’t deal with it. I don’t know how to handle it, often over or under medicating with inappropriate over the counters. I miss work when I don’t have to, then show up when I’m near death, and in doing so become patient zero for everyone else on my floor. That’s not to say I’m an idiot, that I can’t read the instructions on medicine or haul my own sick ass to the doctor. It’s just that I don’t want to. I want someone else to do it. That’s the one nice thing about being sick, or at least it used to be. Service with a smile from Mom or Dad or whoever. The good old days.

It would appear the only way to avoid Adult Illness is to move in with my parents. So I guess I'm going to suffer in silence. Kind of.

Terror Reigns!

2005-10-26T10:53:00.000-07:00

I have been beset, accosted in my own little corner of the net-o-sphere! Terror, unspeakable acts of evil! I log on to my email and check it out, and low and behold, I am overjoyed to see that someone has posted a comment onto Trade Secrets. It has been so long, I kind of put the site out of my mind. So the thought of someone, anyone reading my ramblings set my heart a flame. I pictured me and my new reader trading emails about work, about politics, about life!

You could imagine my great joy when I discovered that there was not just one person reading my blog and posting, but several! Turns out I didn’t just have a reader, I had a legion of adoring fans checking in regularly to see what I had to say! Finally I would have the fans that I knew I was born to have.

Then I logged onto the space. Imagine having you dreams crushed by the fattest fatty that ever fattied. That’s what it feels like to discover that you have been made a fool of by none other then a bot that posts to blogs! Granted, I haven’t actually posted anything here in a little longer then forever, it still feels like I am being violated.

But the more I thought about it the less it really mattered to me. At least something was posting to the damn site. Is it sad? Yes. But you’ve got to start somewhere.

Travels Abroad

2005-10-26T10:31:00.000-07:00

Travel Log ~ Las Vegas

An Adventure in Three Days, featuring a party of amazingly diverse and varied peoples.

Friday

8:15 AM – Late. I should have left ten minutes ago, but I forgot my change. Hoping that the day goes fast, but who knows. Eight people in the van. Prayers that it is big enough. A woman is looking at me funny, probably shouldn’t talk out loud as I write.

12:04 PM – Lunch soon. Vegas is looming large above the day, I don’t know whether or not to be scared or what.

4:00 PM – The boss has let me go so I can get ready for the trip. Unfortunately for me, no one else has a similar set up. Curses! Fye, I say, fye!

5:56 PM – Remember I have the book. We are on the road. Stuck in traffic. The world is conspiring against me. Us. Conspiring against us. Bastards.

5:57 PM – Bryce has noticed me writing and promptly made fun of me. Illiterate fool!

5:59 PM – Disatster! I lost the change! I carried that god damned cup from hell with me all god damned day, harping about how great it is and I lost it...(someone holds it up in the back of the van)…oh, never mind. The trip may continue, for now.

6:15 PM – Sara claims we will be there in five minutes. Threats concerning asking “are we there yet” are forbidden by the front seat and the masses fall in line.

6:39 PM – Sara: “You SUCK!!!”

9:53 – The “Grand Wizard” decrees a moratorium on non-English speaking music. Hilarity ensues.

No specific entries for the next two and a half hours. Arrival in Las Vegas, cramped, tired, possibly just a little hateful, no later then 12 AM.

Saturday

Handwriting is visibly slanted. I think it was the pen. Perhaps not.

1:30 AM – Nine Fine Irishman, a pub. Two beers and a few folk songs later, the team is ready to move. We’re going to Bellagio, apparently on foot, despite the thing at…(line)

2:45 AM – Carmel, Bellagio. Trendy, and sloppy all rolled into one. The booze she flows like wine. Hip hop hurray, ho, hurray ho…

3:00 AM – Slepp [Sleep?]. A plan is forming, Paris, Alladin, the Grand and then home. This should take, what like, 7 hours. 8 if we’re really lucky.

3:15 AM – Em claims Bryce made her loose $10.00. Bitterness on all sides, I lost my pen and took this one from a clown.

5:30 AM – MGM Grande. ( Handwriting has degenerated, vocab sadly has not) Irate! Anger! Bile! Sara is unhappy…she declares that we are not permitted to have her body. Ever.

6:05 AM – Return to the room to drive a wedge between sleeping people. Sweet revenge! Haha! They’ll never stop us now!

8:22 AM – Girl Fight! My sleep is shattered. Hatred reins. Jesus Christ shut up, shut up shut up! Shut your fat yap!

9:37 AM – Time to start the day. Fresh, rejuvenated, and full of crap. Need food…need…sle—

10:22 AM – Actual get up. Ian gets his revenge, and escape. Auch! The light, it burns our eyes!

Noonish – Lunch at the Rain Forrest Café. While of course I endorse the saving of the rain forest I cannot abide shoddy service, and poorly put together menus. Tis’ Bryce’s birthday, and despite the best efforts of the Special Little Man, he cannot hide from the diligent eyes of Ryan, our incapable server. Sadly, I was in the bathroom when the embarrassment fest went down. I’m sure it was a joy.

Later, while lounging by the pool I reflected on the transient nature of time, and how, after all that we had done, all that we had seen I think that I can say…wow look at the cans on…

Summer In The City

2005-09-05T12:56:00.000-07:00

The problem with living in the city, especially one as huge as this, is that when one has the odd hankering to go outside for a bit of exercise, you are never really alone. Now, I suppose I should qualify that a bit and say that by exercise I mean “not sitting on the couch watching TV” NOT the other type. You know, the type that gets your heart rate up and makes you feel all good and stuff until you realize running to the end of the block is not going to do anything for you except make you hot and out of breath. I’m talking about just getting outside and enjoying (for lack of a better word) the great outdoors.

On the streets you’ve got cars whizzing by at 80 +, you’ve got to have special shoes for the mountains (not well worn flat footed deal like moi) and The Park on the weekends is inundated with families from all over the valley and tent cities spring up throughout the green to say nothing about the poor state of Parking. The beach, 45 minutes away…at least. The desert, a solid hour there and back.

I suppose I could get new shoes with special grips or something. I suppose that I could crank the volume on the ipod, drowning out the sounds of the streets. I could just suck it up and drive to the beach or desert or the Park. But then I would be letting the city win…anyhow, there is a kickass marathon of My Super Sweet 16 and Hogan Knows Best on today.

A Fate Worse Then Death

2005-07-27T10:20:00.000-07:00

Summer time is traditionally a time when the ol’TV sucks. It’s just a fact of life…our favorite shows, regardless of what they may be can only run so long in a season before actors, crew, and audiences just need a break. Recently I have filled my time normally relegated to watching TV to taking in some of the crappy movies on cable. By “Crappy” I mean those movies that have been on rotation on the cable networks FORVER and never seem to go away.

But while I’ve been watching my crappy shows, it appears that the rest of America has got Dance Fever. And I’m afraid, very afraid. First there was ABC’s summer time smash Dancing With the Stars. I’ve never seen the show, but from what I understand, it was the light kind of fare perfect for summertime; what could be funnier then watching J. Pieterman and Evander Holyfield shoot around a dance floor? But a recent article posted on the webernet has me shaking in my boots.

Fox, The Lords of Recycling, are now airing their own dance competition, this time brought to us by the manic geniuses that are ultimately responsible for American Idol. It would appear that tinsel town has noticed that one dancing show was good, so applying industry logic, one hundred dancing shows should be freaking awesome. And I know what they are thinking: somewhere in this town right now there is some jackass Development guy who is thinking…”Hey, my kids like playing that Dance Dance Revolution Game, why don’t we do a show about that.” You’re scoffing? It’s happening people…we could be in for a real world of shit!

I’m begging you, join me in writing your congressman, picketing the networks, and posting hundreds of letters. Let’s cast aside our differences and join together just this once to fend off the growing storm that could be headed to a TV near you very soon. Just think how things would have been different if someone would have stood up to TV in the late nineties before the Reality Wars won the airwaves. Come on people, an apocalypse is on the horizon and we are going to have to act VERY fast if we want to avoid it. Repent the end is here!

"Hey Baby, Who's Your Lawyer?"

2005-07-08T09:59:00.000-07:00

Recently I had the pleasure of speaking to a long lost associate. Of course the conversation made its sad and sorry way to the whole relationship thing. Don’t worry; I’ll spare you any details from my (non existent) personal life. But our little talk got me to thinking.

Relationships would be a lot better if there was a little more paperwork involved. The actual time together, and especially the eventual break up, would go so much better for all parties if we took things a step or two slower and had a few contracts drawn up. Maybe it’s just my recent employment with Big Media, but it seems that we could save each other a hell of a lot of heart ache and gnashing of teeth if we got some things squared away long before one person or another drives the relationship off a cliff.

As an entity, the couple will have special rights and responsibilities to its constituent members, each of which is laid down specifically in the contract. Before two people start dating, they can sit down with their respective lawyers and negotiate for things like sex, housework, dates, who pays for what, airport rides and or pick ups, movie choices, you name it!

Once a year, couples could get together with their lawyers around tax time and renew their Agreements. At this time, either party can present new offers to the other, renegotiating terms through their legal representation, bargaining with the other side in order to keep things going or break things off. If anything, this will create a new era of honesty within relationships, since contracts will be airtight and present little wiggle room and you will be forced to come to the table and talk about what you want! It’s genius!

I think the real benefits are when a relationship is on the rocks. Break ups could become so easy! Gone would be the days of dragging out the end with painful half-truths. No more will there be weeks of avoidance, and confusing mixed messages. Each agreement will stipulate, let’s say 7 line items – things that would constitute grounds for dissolving The Couple. If either side violates, I don’t know, 5 of these things, BAM! It’s over. A letter is mailed by the IRS informing you that you have thirty days to auction off all shared assets and that all privileges and responsibilities agreed to by the couple are here by suspended until a further investigation can be carried out by the appropriate authorities from the office of the Registrar of Relationships.

Can’t you see it? A guy walks up the girl in a bar, she looks him over, and they hit it off well. They have a few drinks, who knows…things get crazy. He wakes up in the morning and instead of finding her number on the nightstand he finds her lawyers card. “Mendelssohn, Goldfarb, & Richards – Relationship Arbitration.” Now that’s love.

Official Office Newsletter

2005-06-22T10:44:00.000-07:00

"From the Front Desk To Your Desk!"

Mechanical Problems Lead To Sweet, Sweet Irony

In an ironic turn of events, obnoxious intern Patty Miles and intolerable runner Benny Fairchild were trapped together in the West Elevator for 14 minutes today. Patty, who rose to fame last month after locking herself in a rest room stall for an hour and half is most often seen at the fifth floor copier, which she often confuses with a fax machine. Fairchild, best known as “that creepy guy” is by all accounts an insufferable mouth breather with a touching problem. Plans for a date are in the works.

New Wireless Head Set Brings VP Out of Shell, Office

“Holy Shit! Can you believe this guy?” exclaimed Jason Sanderson, recently appointed VP of Marketing. “What kind of mealy mouthed cock sucker do you think you’re dealing with you little shit?” Sanderson, who takes an increasing number of his business and personal calls while aimlessly wandering throughout the building, was described as a “quiet” or “low key guy” who used to do business behind closed doors before the installation of a wireless headset. Now he can be heard screaming obscenities anywhere within the 14 floor office tower. “It’s kind of fun,” says Security Guard Mitch Bogler. “It’s kind of like a game, you never know where he’ll show up next!” Sanderson was unavailable for comment as he was screaming, “I will rape you till I go blind, asshole!” in the 6th floor kitchen.

Bring Your Daughter To Work Day Slap In Face For Office Spinster

Marcia Martinez fought back tears of shame and depression throughout the workday Tuesday, the Company’s office “Bring Your Daughter To Work Day!” Martinez, a 48 year old childless spinster has never had a meaningful relationship in her life, and has always dreamed of having her own children. Despite several failed attempts to bear children, including a brief and tumultuous marriage the ended in a restraining order being filed against Martinez, the woman has never been able to achieve her ultimate goal of having a family. Martinez did not return from lunch today, sighting a recurring ulcer as her excuse. The call was placed from the bar at Jose’s Tocoria.

Fact and Fiction

2005-06-22T09:41:00.000-07:00

I love stories about archeology and hidden secrets and the whole nine yards. Indiana Jones can do no wrong by me, you know? So when I sawTHIS …well suffice to say it’s pretty damn sweet!

Dead in the Water

2005-06-17T12:27:00.000-07:00

You know what I can't stand?

Shark Movies.

Now don't get me wrong, there is one, maybe one and a half shark movies out there that are fantastic (Jaws...I count the sequels as 5ths and quarters of movies). I don't want to go the extra mile of saying the Steve got it right with one try with Jaws, but let's be honest here: how many god damned shark movies do we need, really?

I know that the movie business doesn't really concern itself with what we need, that they are really in the business anymore of manufacturing the desire to go to the movies through marketing, cross-promotional deals, and over wrought trailers. But come on guys, how many ways do you see a shark movie playing out? People go in the water, An industrialist/mayor/extreme sports crew/mad scientist decrees that obvious shark related deaths are in fact not, that guy get eaten, and then someone with a name like Dirk or Powell destroys the shark. Until the sequel. And I know that sequels tend to blow no matter what, that is just a fact of life. But you have got to agree with me here, Shark movie sequels rank as some of the WORST.

That's it. That's the story. There is nothing you can do to jazz it up, and we KNOW what is going to happen. So I ask the question why the hell do we need so many damn movies with sharks? The Jaws Movies, The 4 Shark Attack movies (featuring magalodons), Spring Break Shark Attack, and that abortion featuring LL Cool J with the genetically modified sharks.

God they suck!

We're done guys. No more please. The genre, if you dare to call it that, is dead in the water (oh man, what did I just do) and the stories have about as much appeal as Sandpaper Band-Aids. Let's join together and stop the madness.

Crawling Back

2005-06-17T11:53:00.000-07:00

So. You finally come sniffing around here again huh? What, you're "friends" over at that other place finally get sick of all of your assanine chatter, your "talking" and your sharing and your giving and all of that other...stuff? Finally realize what the truth of it is. YOU NEED ME! You might hate me, but in the end, when it's all said and done, you need my simpering, my misplaced and over done wordery, my overabundant and heavy flawed use and abuse of the English language.

Have I missed you? What kind of question is that? I haven't even thought about us since...man....like, forever. Wait why am i trying to justify my actions to you! You were the one who stopped reading! Ass.

The Best Is Yet To Come

2005-05-23T15:37:00.000-07:00

The office this morning was buzzing with the news. Star Wars Episode III made 160 million this weekend, and if trends for presales are to be believed, the sky is the limit. If memory serves, the total worldwide gross of the film as of this morning was over 300 million.

There are many who view these movies as idle fantasy, but to those of us who have been arguing for the establishment of Space Fleet for the last few electoral cycles, these films are more a “sign of things to come.” I know, some of you scoff at that statement, but consider this: the US government is currently working on their own Death Star. Don’t believe me…CHECK this out.

Again!

2005-04-25T17:24:00.000-07:00

In keeping with my sudden urge to recomend things to you, check out Primer. The film was the winner of the big show at last year's Sundance. Made for something like 7,000 by a few film students, the movie is about a team of inventors that put together a time machine, kind of by accident. Dark, brainy, and kind of funny, it's a great film that makes you think.

Rock...Long and hard.

Recomends...

2005-04-19T12:39:00.000-07:00

Generally I don’t do this, but I thought I would take a minute to make a few general recommendations for the benefit of the common reader. This past weekend, I had the opportunity to take in a few films that were, for lack of a better word or phrase, “pretty good.”

The first of these films was Kung Fu Hustle I went into this one with lower expectations then normally draw me into a theatre to see a film. My initial fear was that this one was going to be a tired rehashing of the kung fu movie genre, with more of an effort to create the next Naked Gun then to create a good original movie. I was wrong. The movie was paced well, really damn funny, and well worth the time.

The next day I got we got the chance to take in Showtime’s film adaptation of Reefer Madness. The musical satire based on the cult classic “Tell Your Children,” was a surprise. Again, I went into it afraid that this was going to be a tired, poorly pulled together deal. Who wants to see a musical about saying no to drugs, right? Instead, I found it smart, funny, and entirely original. A definite recommend if/when you get the chance to rent it or see it.

Power Of The People

2005-04-14T15:16:00.000-07:00

Just yesterday a friend from a while back asked about one of my former passions, a thing that many of you will smirk at, will roll your eyes at. Even back in the my hay day I had to put up with people railing against this passion O'mine. That was fine. In my strange little world I had power (granted that in itself is kind of a bold statement worth being railed against).

The passion: Student Government.

Oh I can already tell that the few folks who might read this thing are getting out of Dodge. But, only because three people in the past two months have mentioned the subject to me, I present to you a discussion I had about running your very own bloodless coup.

The most important thing to remember about your dorm mates is that they are weak. Plainly put, most men and women of college age are sheep, and have a perceptible affinity for falling in line with a convincing majority.

In short, it seems to me that you should have nothing to worry about if you keep this key principle in mind: they are sheep in search of a shepherd. Many residence halls across the Nation practice a type of super democracy. In this deficient form of government, the whole population of the hall is part of some committee. All students are expected to govern themselves, with each member having and equal vote in EVERY decision.

This liberalized democracy, this rule of the Mob illustrates an inner weakness that is beyond laughable and borders on heartbreaking. It is the civic duty of you, the enlightened few to reach onto the miasma of this uber-democratic state and liberate them from their own self-imposed prison of paper work and Robert’s Rules. College, life itself is to important to worry about being a part in every decision that is made. The good of the whole is directly harmed when the people are forced to participate in meaningless and unneeded meetings. These are the times when they should be concerned with friends, with education, with learning from the school of hard knocks, NOT endlessly debating the benefits of two ply against single.

It is the duty of those who have been born to lead, those with the tenacity, and the political machismo to take control to stand up and demand that the reigns of power be transferred to them. If a direct assault in this way is not possible, then it is your job, again for the benefit of the many, to change the inner workings of such an outmoded and quaint organization from inside. Seek membership in the powerful committees, create distrust between allies, stockpile TP, Soap, and other needed supplies in order to increase the need…and then imply that the system must be broken…for it has FAILED through its complicated methodology to provide what the people want when they need it.

If at all possible, ingratiate yourselves to the demigods and the parliamentarians, and speak whenever a difficult issue has been presented. In the absence of a difficult issue, imply that one exists and then let the group fight about it. You may have to attack Poland…I mean…charge the administration with negligent behavior. Seize control of a small committee and then through procedure make this committee the cornerstone of the organization. Once you have done all of these things, once you have burdened the committees with paperwork, filibustered even the smallest issues, driven a spike between the existing leadership and created an implied leadership amongst your own personal clique, then it is time to call for a vote…time to imply this radical people’s government is confusing and hurting everyone. Say you need direction. Say you need purpose. Say you need to efficiently cut out the middleman (the people). Then nominate a patsy, albeit a well-liked patsy, to serve as Prime Minister, President, Czar or whatever.

Then you have done it. In a few short weeks you have saved the people from the endless toil of self-government and provided them a stable, easily controllable government, elected for the people…kind of by the people…and you can have new soap whenever you want it. Presidential privilege and all of that.

Update...Haversham censored!

2005-04-05T10:33:00.000-07:00

Aparently our friends over at kinderwords are taking a page from the book of those very evil news corperations they hate so much and have decided to selectivly screen posts. How else do they account for this reply to one of our comments to their recent posts...

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What a sad state of affairs.

And Now From Our Man In The Field...

2005-04-05T10:30:00.000-07:00

I like the news. Lately, I have become a regular addict, surfing between one news network and the other. I like to compare the sets, the anchors, and the onscreen layouts. Personally, I think that many of them are trying way to hard at putting as much information on the screen as possible. There is one network in particular that will often have two scrolling tickers of news bites and up to three completely separate images on the screen at any given time. Over kill. And it looks tacky.

I recently read a few comments about the news on a friend’s page and the main thrust of the post was that media consolidation is bad and that the news is a tainted thing. Or something. This of course prompted me to spend the balance of my morning ignoring internship resumes and reading up on criticisms of the media giants that dominate network news.

I think that it's high time that the folks out there that are harping about the news come to the sad realization that the news is not for information anymore, rather a programmed and highly scripted form of entertainment. Adages such as "if it bleeds, it leads" are tired and all, but how can anyone really fault the news networks for collectively turning their backs on what most would consider responsible journalism in favor of what their mother-ship corporations really want: something to fill the gaps between Celais commercials? The news isn’t a public service, it’s a business. The problem with the news, as many pundits and late night talk show hosts have already pointed out, is that the folks that sit behind the desks imagine that they are all little Cronkite’s in the making. Most of them would be a helluva lot more popular if they just embraced the fact that they are the thinking man’s studio wrestlers. Flash and bang, drama for dramas sake. And tell me you wouldn’t love to see Crossfire turn into a tag team-wrestling match.

The Office Is...

2005-03-21T10:11:00.000-08:00

I think that any office is like a really big tree sitting in the forest. Cut into is and take a look at the rings and you can see how old the tree is, see what it lived through (before you ended its life for a hypothetical). Famine, disease, lightning strikes. I guess a better hypothetical would be that an office is like a lumber mill, it strips the land of different trees, rips off the individual limbs, in an effort to create uniform inputs for the sawing, slicing, and pulping machines. We, the workers are the trees you see, processed and consumed by…oh wait that doesn’t work either. Well in it’s way it works but, not in the way I wanted to go.

Let’s say that an office is like a wood framed house, it’s out there and you need some wood to build the walls and to turn into shingles right? So you go back to the lumberyard and you get some wood. And the people in the office are the processed wood products that go into making the house. The floorboards, the stairs, the railings are all different. They may look the same by some virtue of the staining process, but the grain…the grain makes each board special and different, do you follow.

Unless you go for carpet. It’s a hell of a lot easier to take care of. And using wood as an exterior finish is just asking for years of constant upkeep when you’re talking about weatherproofing and repairing shingles and stuff. Eventually you are going to upgrade to siding anyhow, because it has a better resale value then wood in today’s market. So the siding is automation then? No I did it again…

Okay…let me start over here, an office is like a well-oiled machine, and everyone inside are the parts that keep it running smoothly. Sometimes it works great while other times you have to rip out the parts and start again.

Do you see what I’m saying?

The Face of Evil

2005-02-15T11:43:00.000-08:00

Today I saw a Legion of Doom walking down the street. I have made many outrageous claims before, but in this case I am sure that the horde of the damned that I saw coming down the street on my way to the Pavilion’s had nothing but malice and Manson in their hearts.

Allow me to elucidate. I leave the office for a quick break around 11:00 and head out to the Grocery store. I’m more or less going for the walk, but over the last three Wednesdays I have purchased a lottery ticket there and I just have this feeling…my number is going to be coming up soon. Right? So anyhow, I’m walking down the street and I see them: I line of Raven black shadows and bone white skin sauntering down the sidewalk, three deep, five across. The silver buckles on their ragged black skirts and oversized cargo pants clinked and clanged as they walked, nay, meandered down Santa Monica. These weren’t your garden-variety high school girls, bent on not conforming (which I always laugh at since their prescribed method of nonconformance is to turn around and conform to an apparently stricter code), these Goths were all over the map. Fatties and Thinnies, tall and short, male and female, united in the furtherance of black eye shadow, finger gauntlets, and a rather limited collection of Nightmare Before Christmas T shirts.

Gothic kids have always fascinated me, partly because of a peculiar interest several of my own friends had in those of the pseudo-vamparitic persuasion. But I was not about to stand and gawk as this army of darkness marched on their melancholy way. Well, they didn’t march so much as they rambled listlessly. It was strange to see such a concentration of people, in the middle of West Hollywood, with the sun blaring down upon them, but once they passed I continued into Pavilion’s bought my lottery ticket and apple and proceeded to head back to the office.

And then I saw true evil.

Standing outside of my neighborhood Starbucks, hence forth to be known as the Nexus of Evil, was the Goth Army. And to a man and woman they were slurping down on Carmel Machiada’s, and Frappicinos while they glared at anyone who walked by. If such a force can be so easily swayed by the power of Starbucks then I think that we may be in more trouble then I ever imagined.

Reposte!

2005-02-14T15:09:00.000-08:00

I have busied myself with reviewing some of the statements posted by other folks who have taken the time to read and respond (in there own way) to my ramblings. I realize that a possible misinterpretation of some of my points has occurred, and rather then go back into my posts and make myself more clear I suppose the right thing to do would be to attempt at clarifying myself a bit here in the present. It would appear that there was an original point and, by a fault of my own it has become tangles in several other interesting topics.

I never meant to imply that comics haven’t changes since I began reading them. That would be absurd to expect any kind of sweeping changes in characters and plots, in whole universes even, in the brief five years that I have been into this stuff. I meant to imply that it is odd that Superhero comics might be the only mass-produced art form that I know of that has not been forcefully pushed into an evolution or a change by the fans that love it. Instead, it would seem, at least based on the conversations I have had with these bespoke fans that the opposite is normal. I did not mean to say that the fans can’t take or wont approve of new and edgier stories; it’s just that the fans seem to be happy with the status quo, and any attempt to progress characters and plot lines away from what has been established as part of the unchanging cannon would appear to be frowned upon. While there may be special release titles or limited run stories that are completely awesome, I hardly think that is reason enough to justify a continual run of the books. If you don’t have something nice to say…well you know. There must be some reason why they keep coming out and that apparently is that the fans demand it. They want their heroes.

I used language like “suck” and as I admitted before, I was really looking to get a rise out of folks. I would also like to take a moment to call attention to the fact that this all started (and was significantly side railed) with an answer to the statement, “ Why is an overwhelming amount of the youth population gravitating away from Marvel and DC and heading straight for import titles?” I stand by my original statement that it might very well be a result of a non intended alienation effect that the bigger SH titles have with new readers. If I have the choice between a compelling story that I can relate to on some level, where the characters look like me, and a huge tight wearing guy who can leap tall buildings with a single bound, I am going (as a kid mind you…) probably want to go after the one that is “like” me. All that being said, I should underline the part about this being my opinion.

Lastly (for now) in direct response to the postings on Kinder Words, it would appear that the argument that the comics I like would never be around if it wasn’t for capes and tights who sell millions upon billions of dollars worth of comics a year is a bit…um…well faulty. At its most basic and logical point, that may be the truth…in order for these companies to keep producing good comics and great stories, they have to have a cash cow and the bigger titles afford them that. But the argument, dear JOA, is a soulless mathematical argument, and argument about necessary (and I use the word sparingly) evils. So if you want to talk about the economics of the situation that may very well be a better discussed on its own.

Quandry

2005-02-09T16:36:00.000-08:00

People suck.

The question at hand is why do they suck? I was going to prattle on for a while about why "the people" that I am personaly refering to suck a big one. I was going to recount my day, and how a person a single person who can't...wow almost went into it there. Let's just say that I will spare myself the trouble of putting the anger into more words then it deserves, and anyone else the frustration of fighting through my generally overwrought prose.

So where was I...Oh yes people suck. People say this a lot, but what I really want to know is why do some people suck more then others, and do you think that they know that they suck.

This post officially makes me sound like a 14 year old girl.

Great.

Slinking Towards DOOM!

2005-02-08T16:30:00.000-08:00

Recently I made some…statements about super hero comics. I came down kind of hard on them, even though I am admittedly very new to the genre. I think I need to clarify here. What I wanted to say, what I tried to say, is that for me there is no big surprise that a growing majority of new readers of comics are running into the arms of Japanese Imports and choosing to ignore the Classic titles often associated with Superheros.

I really wasn’t to clear about this when I said it, looking more to get a rise out of the few people who might stumble across this site and have feelings one way or the other. I think what I was trying to build to before I got tuckered out was that no art form, be it literature, movies, theatre, or whatever pick your poison I don’t care, never survives stagnation and repetition without some negative backlash to either the art form, those who process it, or the very people who propagate it. It has been documented in the past throughout a variety of artistic movements here at home and abroad that this kind of stagnation, of overstating ideas and failing to push forward can, overtime, become cancerous and kill the whole damn form.

Don’t I sound like a ponce?

Applying these principals to comics, we can see the potential for such a fall in the industry when we look at the classics that are still printed regularly. Archie has been in circulation since 1940. Superman has been saving the day a few times a month since ’38. Batman since ’39. Any story line that goes on for over 60 years with virtually no interruption is bound to run into problems in regards to the power and punch of the stories it can tell if it is not openly permitted by the people who are taking it in to try new things, to morph and evolve. In theatre and film this has been the way of things since the inception of each medium 4000 and 100 years ago respectively. Things change, naturally, in order to avoid stagnation. The people demand it, they call for it. Look at Westerns…every studio in the world was producing westerns forty years ago. A whole generation of people was reared on them. But people changed and the art (I know that’s a stretch) changed with them in order to survive.

Comics then would appear to be an exception to the rule. A change in Superman that would significantly alter the rules of engagement would be met by fans as terrible. There would be picket lines and online petitions. The publishers would never radically change the book, for fear of reaping a hell of a lot of shit from the readers. People might very well stop reading if there was a major change, not the other way around. It would seem that Superhero comics exist in a vacuum, and unlike any other kind of “art” the people who take it in do not demand evolution, but would rather see the status quo maintained. Now I suppose the question I want to ask is this: why?

A Statement of Fact

2005-02-02T15:46:00.000-08:00

I discovered comics as an adult, not because I sought them out, but because they found me. A friend had a horde of comics spread across his dorm room, and as I waited for everyone to get ready to go to dinner I started paging though Alan Moore’s From Hell. I was sucked in immediately and I finished the book (nearly as large as the White Pages) in a weekend of heavy reading. Reflecting back on the event now I suppose it might have been equally possible for me to become interested in subsistence farming, composting, or the sudden deforestation of the campus had the literature been immediately at hand. Thankfully though, books about these things were absent, and comics were what I was surrounded with.

I moved from From Hell to Preacher, and then Later to Sandman. This as a foundation, I find now that my interests when I can get to the Store lean towards things like Fables, Lucifer,Ex Machina, and the like. I never really got into caps and cowls and to be honest I never even thought about it much. But a recent water cooler talk about comics got me to thinking: the reason I don’t like super hero comics (I will say it now, I don’t like MOST superhero comics, NOT all) is because they generally suck.

Let me clarify a bit. They don’t suck completely, its just that anything that has been running, with little to no change for the past forty years is going to seem tired, old, and Byzantine when it comes to plot and character development. I guess its just a personal choice, I like what I like because I get the impression that the author is going somewhere, that he or she has a story in mind, a tale to tell with their characters and is not just listlessly setting up obstacles for their heroes to fell. There seems to be a through line, a sense of drama…and perhaps danger. You get the impression that if one of these characters die or get maimed, they will are really hurt and will carry that hurt with them throughout the rest of the story. The Super hero’s, at least from this outsider’s perspective, seem to exist largely because of precedent. Spider Man will not suddenly run our of web and drown in the Hudson. Superman has proven his refusal to die. Wonder woman will never pass on the bracers and go off to retirement in Dade County. And all because of a rabid fan base that, again this is from my limited experience, doesn’t really like any new storyline, but is clinging to something from the glory days.

This whole rant is the result of a discussion about the prevalence of Manga in American bookstores. As it turns out, more and more of our teens are turning away from the superhero’s and embracing these Japanese transplants. I always thought it was a fad and that it would pass. But a worker sent me this article, recently reprinted on cnn.com, that talks about how Manga is opening comics up to a whole new audience. The question that he had, which is addressed in the article, is what do these books about psychic teens, giant robots, and mundane magical powers have that the Hulk doesn’t? That is a question that I am no where near qualified to answer and of course would love to see a discussion about. But a little more reading seems to indicate that these imports deal with big casts of characters that act and talk like kids, that (despite some obvious cultural differences) are easier to identify with. Lastly it would appear that most of these stories realize they are in fact comics…and doing so may relieve some of the false sense of gravity associated with several older titles here in the USA, making them much more accessible to the casual reader. So, to the world I say: Thoughts?

The Power of Prayer

2005-01-31T13:35:00.000-08:00

In my ongoing effort to fight back against the harsh realities of a world that refuse to leave me alone as well as my own self indulgent desires to post something on the web in the vain hope that SOMEONE other then my mother will partake of my ramblings I bring you yet another installment of my on going series describing the state of the mentally unwell along Santa Monica Boulevard.

We have a few regulars, the types of crazies that are really more or less part of the general scene that is our stretch of Santa Monica. These people like “The Crazy Parrot Guy” and a fat man I simply call “Slappy” are very scary at first. They are loud, they are in the way, and they refuse to just let you enjoy a chi latte. But after a while you get used to them, they get used to you and soon they become part of the scenery. Albeit crazy parts of the scenery, but they are just as important on the walk to Starbucks as anything else.

Well there is a new kid on the block, and I think is going to screw things up. How will he do this you ask? There are several reasons and all of them are bothersome. First of all, he is a rover…he doesn’t stay in one place, but paces up and down the sidewalk. Second he is mostly quiet and reflective, save for several occasional outbursts which leads us to, Three. I think he has powers.

I think that this crazy guy is SO crazy he actually manages to drive other people insane and crazy depending on where they are starting. He was walking down the street towards a group of completely normal guys waiting to cross the Boulevard. When he was within ten feet, one guy just dropped his juice, and the other reacted by screaming and leaping INTO traffic. Thankfully this crazy-mans messiah became distracted with something else and halted his advance, otherwise who knows what this idiot who threw himself into traffic might have done! But the real kicker for me was outside of the Hamburger Haven. There is the old guy who is also a crazy who always sits out front and sings. Well The Messiah came up to him double taked, and then started whooping and hollering saying things like “Sing your song, Sing it Man!” as loud as he could while heartily clapping Old Dude on the shoulder. Old Dude became agitated, and then in a clear and steady voice screamed, “Get away from me! You’re crazy!” He then hobbled away. This happened last week, on wed, and since I have not seen OD. This Messiah is clearly not a force to be messed with…yet. But I became a believer in his odd and strange powers when just this morning I saw an old gentleman dressed in a suit and tie that very well could have been OD.

So what’s the lesson? Hell if I know. But things is this neck of the woods are changing, and I’ll be damned if I am going down!

Now Is The Season Of Our Discontent

2005-01-18T11:56:00.000-08:00

Ruination. Doom. Despair. These are a few of my favorite things. Well not really, but the last two weeks of weather here in the City of Angeles has been far from sunny and bright. In fact at times it was down right deadly and while I have no desire for poke fun at the tragedies of mudslides and floods I can’t help but laugh at the fabricated misery being preached all around me by the news, by coworkers and by my own family.

It rained here. Now you have to understand that while it does rain occasionally in LA, it never does so when you can see it. The weather is sneaky; you step inside to pay for gas, you come back outside and the ground is slick and the air smells like electricity. The longest storm I have lived through out here lasted for ten minutes and that drove traffic to a standstill. But this most recent rain was something for the record books. It rained for days and days, with wind and thunder and lightning. The temperature floated in the 50s and all the while the news screamed about how the apocalypse was just around the corner. I laughed. These freaks were worried sick about a little rain. Moron’s I said. Then I tried to drive home.

After hour two in the car (normally a long 45 minute drive to home) I was beside myself. Now I figured that the next day would be better…people would take alternative routes, people would provide a little extra time to get to work. Everything would be fine. WRONG! There was not a single day when I got to work on time or home at least 45 minutes late if not much longer. When I ran into the same traffic this morning my only question in this…why the Hell am I still out here?

To The Skies...

2004-12-23T13:48:00.000-08:00

I cannot begin to guess how many blogs out there today and tomorrow that will be dealing with travel and the holidays. The news, both the local drivel and the national networks have been whipping people up about how horrible the conditions are going to be for the better part of the month. Add into this synthetic panic, a real honest to Castor Blizzard that has ruined the Midwest and people seem to be prepping for the apocalypse.

Why do I care? Well as I sit here and work out this entry I too am waiting to enter the fray of last minute holiday travelers. We are closing the office down three or so hours early today, and after a week or so of nothing going on, this concession by the big wigs has had the effect dissuading most people from even showing up. So here I sit, in on office usually buzzing with nearly one hundred loud, busy people, with one executive, a temp and the Building Manager. This may be the quietest that it has ever been and I think it feels creepy. It’s the quiet before what is sure to be a storm to remember.

I’m not afraid of flying. I love to travel, but I think I hate other travelers. The old women with three carry-ons, the little kids who are screaming about something or kicking chairs, that bastard who talks the ear off of the person behind you. Add into the mix the holiday mix of folks (families, inexperienced travelers, etc.) and you have a hate cocktail on ice.

So tonight as I take to the air, I wish everyone out there who will be hitting the road a safe trip, and please, for the sake of the rest of us, if you think you might be acting like and asshole, you probably are so stop.

I'm Back...For Now...

2004-12-20T10:34:00.000-08:00

Lord…It has been a while. That being the case, I will beg my one reader’s pardon (if in fact you are still out there). I will only draw your attention to the warning I posted first and foremost before I started this thing. What did I say? I said that I would not be any good at keeping this thing up. In fact, I believe I said that I would suck at it.

Anyhow, The holidays have thundered into my life at full force. The gifts the traffic the travel. All of it can be it’s own little test, but at the same time there are benefits. Seeing old friends, spending time with the family (in small controlled, and hopefully well chaperoned doses). I recently joined this yahoo group dedicated to my circle of friends from the olden days. Nothing makes you feel older then the news that filters in from the (old) home front. While there are many things to discuss the one that I want to pontificate about this Monday is the news that the Class of 1999 is having a reunion. Nothing special, this seems to be more of a pick up game of a class reunion. Five years give or take so why not get together and see how things have worked themselves out? In a recent email to this group of expatriates from the class of 1999 I said the following, which really sums up my thoughts on class reunions.

I can’t help but be filled with a tinge of relief and just a bit of sadness; I regretfully will not be back from the Coast before Christmas Eve, and as such I will be unable to attend this impromptu Class Reunion. I’m sorry because I think it would be fun. Am I alone in the world in taking no small amount of joy is seeing some of the people I graduated with as the total and absolute losers that I have always known them to be? Is it wrong for me to revel, just a bit, in seeing some of the “hot girls” packing on the pounds, the “cool guys” – ich – selling insurance or used cars? Is it too terrible for me to look at my own life with VERY rose colored lenses while at the same time I peer down my nose imperiously at a select few? If that is all wrong then perhaps I’m missing the point of reunions in the first place.

If I can recall the quote from…is it Schopenhauer?…”Pride is an established conviction of one’s own paramount worth in some particular respect, while vanity is the desire of rousing such a conviction in others, and it is generally accompanied by the secret hope of ultimately coming to the same conviction oneself.” (I have found that doing things like that, that quote thing that I just did, are great ways at scoring you “better-off” points the few times I have been home long enough to run into one of the aforementioned non-friends. The obvious downside to this is that you have to try to remember Schopenhauer) As I said there is a bit of relief there as well; my cheaply bought superiority complex lasts only as long as I don’t describe what I do exactly. It’s hard to live your life balancing on the blade of a sword, but somehow I manage to wake up each day.

Who plans a class reunion: The people who used to be the most proactive kids in school, the people that we all knew where going to turn out okay no matter what the hell they went on to do. Reunions are all about dusting off the letterman’s jacket, or for you ladies, squeezing into that halter-top that you swear to Jesus fit Freshman year in college, and trying to convince these folks you probably didn’t even like very much that life is treating you fine. In short, they are designed to make us feel just a bit better then we did when we walked in, and for that I say thanks.

Suckers.

A Sign Of Things To Come?

2004-11-11T15:19:00.000-08:00

The wake of the recent election has given birth to all manner of political groups bent on analyzing the returns. These men and women will stare at raw numbers and personal affidavits from voters and try to use responses from exit polls to chart new trends in the electorate. It’s pretty standard stuff. It happens in the aftermath of every election and it is not uncommon for the results gleaned from the polls to influence campaign tactics in the future as well as serve as a barometer for the way the country is leaning. This in turn will give the administration a degree of Political Capital in enforcing some of its agenda items.

As many have been made aware, many politicos give the President’s recent win to several important factors, but one of the largest, the one that came the most out of…hehehe…left field, was how heavily Morality played into the electorate’s voting patterns. Evangelicals, right – wingers, born agains all turned out in record numbers and while these folks were counted as part of the Republican base I don’t think even the Republican leadership had any idea how large a group they might be dealing with.

This being the case I have a feeling that we are going to be seeing a lot more movement from conservatives who are hoping to use this political capital to make some changes that they have been talking about for a very long time. This is given I suppose, to the victor goes the spoils. The supreme court, gay marriage, social security, the war, all are at risk for taking even more conservative turns now that 1.) The President can act without worrying about his own electoral future and 2.) He will be expected to “give the people what they want.” While this is the way politics works I pray that this swing to the Right will not give rise to more and more folks who are big on censorship and denying others Principal rights that while not laid down in the Constitution should be protected by precedent. When we allow our art and science to take a back seat to dogma we are backsliding as a society. That is not to say that there is no room for religion or morals in those fields, but I would say that by making uneducated decries based on something that a person doesn’t necessarily understand is dangerous. It has been recent experience that makes me fear that a good number of the folks who paint themselves as religious and “morally straight” follow the tenets of the Church but seem to lack a personal understanding of what they are so ardently defending by picketing movies , banning books , and denying legal medical treatment.

Actions such as these only fuel the fires started years ago when the election cycle kicked up, and serve to insure any divisions within the population that exist now will stay open and festering.

Words Almost Fail Me...

2004-11-03T10:29:00.000-08:00

I’m speechless. I know that might be hard for those few of you who know me to believe, but I am in fact at a loss for what to say. The election for the White House has ended, and while it was a close and hard fought race to the bitter end, there will be no “Florida” this year. I am sure that a good number of much better bloggers and pundits will take up this line of thought but the one thing that has surprised me so much about the results of the election is not who one, but by what margin.

Over 3.6 million folks out there placed their trust in the President. In a race that so many of those same well spoken pundits and bloggers were advertising as to close to call it would appear the President’s victory, coupled with GAINS in both Houses of Congress are tantamount to a mandate. As a Republican I am happy to smirk across the isle, especially considering my new place of residence. For months I have heard the stars and the Celebs and the pundits of Southern and Northern California all but give Kerry the Office. There is a contrarian streak that runs through me that is happy to walk into a very blue office today where I can hear a pin drop. But as a Republican who questioned my president’s ability to lead us through the trials that still lie ahead the win is very bittersweet. I look at the House and The Senate and I am elated (ha! Daschel!) But I look to the White House and all I can think is “damn…I hope the rest of the country knows what their doing!” While the President will remain in control he will do so over a nation that is clearly divided, ideologically and socially and while it seems to be against his nature, he needs to work on pulling the two America’s closer together.

The President needs to be a gracious winner, and realize that these next four years will not only shape his legacy but will help create a new world order that future generations of Americans will either have to deal with or revel in. This is all given I suppose, but I’m curious how the President will proceed if he does reach across the line drawn deep and dark in the sand. While the mud slinging may be over, while the left leaning members of the conventional and new medias shake their heads, why the stars shine a litter dimmer in California today, its time for us to move on for better or for worse.

For the STARS...and Stripes

2004-10-08T13:10:00.000-07:00

Politics is in the air. But lately the political climate has been so sketchy I feel more like politics are on the ground, that we are in fact, dodging one pile of crap just in time to watch out foot sink into the next. My words are horrible and crude I'm sure, but they seem to fit the bill when it comes to describing the atmosphere created by the two parties who are fronting candidates. On the left, we have a man who, as it was so aptly put by the Daily Show, is running on the "I'm not Bush Ticket." On the right we have a guy who seems to have a lot of friends that would have us sign over our civil liberties under the "Trust Me Ticket."

I and so many of my peers are concerned over what to do. While the 2000 election was billed by the college set as the Lesser of Two Evils Election, the race of 2004 seems more deserving of that title. Neither candidate has earned my trust, neither candidate speaks to my specific concerns, and most importantly, neither candidate seems the least bit concerned with Space Fleet.

If you're like most Americans you have a general idea of at least one issue that you will use as a litmus test on the candidates for President. The War, Terror, the Economy. For me, those things are all subservient to a larger interest, and interest I know I share with many of you. That interest of course is the United States Space Fleet. Now at first, President Bush made it clear that he was at least interested in the idea, by claiming that we will be spending billions to get a man to mars in the next few years. I of course was Pro bush, and very anti-Kerry, as the Democrat went to great lengths to make the President's Space initiative seem outlandish. But now I lament the fact that even Bush had got the whole mess screwed up, saying that space can wait for a better stronger economy.

I had no idea what to do. My key issue had been relegated to a "Waste of Time."
Then I discovered the party for me, nay, I say it is the party for America. Ladies and Gentlemen, I present the only party that can bring us closer to the Heavens The Natural Law Party!

The Natural Law Party is all about using science and logical principals to guide in creating a "Perfect Society." In the Party's own words, they strive to create a New World Order where the United States puts innovative thought and creativity before political back fighting and throwing money at the problem. Space Fleet, and the tenants the guide it's governance would help bring about the NLP's long term goals for foreign Policy, Defense, and Crime. If we are to have a stronger America, an America that is united to combat the threats of global terror, an America that can and will lead the world head held high, then it is important that we not just tame the heavens, we must conquer them. Join me, vote Natural Law, and together we might be able to make the world see how great we really can be.

A New Golden Age...

2004-10-05T10:30:00.000-07:00

I work in a town that is big on TV. I live with a few folks who have some pretty solid opinions about what is on each night. I myself have been known to partake of the idiot box every once in a while. It should be no surprise that I am acutely aware that reality television has started to edge out normal dramas and comedies for air time and ratings.

There are several reasons why reality has taken over the airwaves as far as I can tell. First, Reality is cheap as hell. While we are starting to see shows like “The Apprentice” and “The Amazing Race” heap on cost with extravagant prizes and expensive competitions there is no way a Reality show is ever going to cost as much as say, “Friends”, where each of the cast members extorting millions from the network per episode. To produce a Reality Show, all one needs is a camera, a concept and someone to edit it. No need for costumers, and pesky writers, and conventional directors, and actors.

Yet one reason that people do not seem to cite for the rise of reality tv has to do with Quality of Non Reality (NR) TV. I suppose it would be more fitting to say “lack of” quality. Simply put, NR TV was starting to stagnate, how many law or crime or medical dramas and greeting card writing, sports page reading comedies can we have? Contemporary NR TV was,and for the most part, still appears to be mostly formula. The same characters with different actors and professions plugged in, but the same general show time after time. Viewers got bored, people stopped watching, and so the stage was set for something new and different, something that would break the mold; that something was Reality TV.

For the past three to five years the major networks have provided the viewing public with an endless stream of Reality shows from the mundane (Animals Vs. People) to the edifying (Wife Swap). Many pundits would have us believe that Reality TV will soon overtake the Networks, that sitcoms and dramas are going the way of the dinosaur. I do not agree, I think that NR TV will survive and what’s more I think it will be better then it was before the attack of RTV.

Reality TV will dominate line-ups for the foreseeable future because the money is there. They are cheap, and they get the mob interested enough for advertisers to lavish cash on them. This will mean that fewer NR shows will be produced but in my opinion this cut in NR programming will cause the cream to rise to the top. More appropriately speaking, the networks will be forced to cull the heard more then they already do. But instead of picking the best of the “safe” and “normal” TV shows, they will have to go out on a limb more often in order to compete with their own reality programs. This in turn will cause them to pick shows that have better writing, better directing, better acting, and an overall quality that exceeds what was on TV 5 years ago. I predict that we are getting very close to a new golden age in TV, and the instrument for that epoch will be none other then that which has laid NRTC so low, the proliferation of RTV.

Look at ABC, a typical network that was inundated with Reality shows, yet unable to compete with the hits on the other four networks. ABC was forced to make some tough decisions, and instead of delivering a spat on crappy business as usual sitcoms and dramas about families in crisis or professions that have been driven into the ground, they took chances with their NR TV and while it is early in the season, it looks like they might have a few potential hits on their hands. “Desperate Housewives”, and “Lost” with 21.3 million and 18.1 million viewers respectively last week are solid concepts with good acting, great production values, and believe it or not good writing. It is to early to tell if the gambles that ABC took this season will pay off in the long run, but I think that it is a perfect example of the quality of TV that is possible when the Networks throw out the old formats and formulas and dare to make something that is a little more on edge. Even if these shows, or ones like them, fail I am more then willing to tune into a new show that seems to be something unique and different and give it a try then to do the same for the latest Reality spin-off. If reality TV puts the networks into a position where they are doing edgy, smarter, better written stuff, even if it isn’t a homerun all the time, it seems to be a win/win situation for we the people and the Networks at large.

NEWS!!!

2004-09-30T16:36:00.000-07:00

This morning the office interns were blamed for the disappearance of pens and pencils throughout the building. The missing items were taken over the course of the last three days from assistant Kelly Jasminson’s corner desk. The interns, who have been blamed by the assistant pool for the theft of three reams of photo quality paper, a duffle bag full of mouse pads, eating all of the good doughnuts, and the loss of the Peterson Account have never been formally brought up on charges until now. Mark Hanson, an assistant that sits across from Jamison quickly changed the subject when asked his thoughts on the theft, “Her pens? I don’t know…um…did you see 'The Apprentice' last night?”

Dog on the loose! A golden retriever has set up shop in the Ladies room on the 8th floor after having the run of the office for the better part of the week. The dog, a suspected pet, seems to belong to no one and have a penchant for defecating in awkward, seemingly impossible locations. The wily canine has so far given security the slip on several occasions, despite repeated attempts to trap the dog with increasingly complicated rope and pulley systems. “A dog I can take, it’s the shit that really sucks.”

“Good news from the third floor,” reports correspondent Albert Franks, “I totally avoided that fatty in shipping!” Franks first reported on the fatty, none other then our own Darlie MacNorma, as being, “into him,” four months ago after the company picnic. Since then Franks has repeatedly updated his coworkers on the third floor on Darlie’s failed attempts to “Jump his hump.” Unfortunately for Darlie, Franks has released several statements publicly citing his “No xxxL Love” policy. Darlie met all inquiries with rolled eyes and the middle finger.

Respect Your Elders

2004-09-23T10:48:00.000-07:00

On my way to work I pass by lots of cool things. There is this house that seems to be falling apart a little bit more every day, yet the owners appear to have the money to drive not one but two late model Mercedes Benzes. I pass this state trooper car that is always parked in the median of the road and no one ever sits in it, yet people always slow to a crawl to pass it. But the weirdest thing that I pass, has got to be the Old Man on Dulongpre.

If you passed him in the street on foot you would probably never really think nothing much of him to look at him. He looks like a normal old guy, what with the baggy skin and the frumpy clothes and the “golfers hat.” But every day I drive by him on my way to work, as I’m sure many other people do, and I’m treated to the same show. He stands at the corner, right by the stop sign waiting for you to stop. If you make the mistake of looking at him (something that is hard NOT to do, considering that you have to look around to make sure you don’t T-bone another car) his eyes go wide and a smile spreads across his face like you are a long lost friend. He will the probably slap his knee and shake his head as if he is remembering the good old days when you and he would have our misadventures. He then proceeds to hold his thumb out and ask for a ride. You ignore him of course. He then becomes insistent, you guys are friends after all, and emphatically points to your car and ”thumbs it” again. You ignore him and drive off and then if you are quick enough you can watch him in the rear view before the next car stops he is sure to be cursing at you and actually shaking his fists. It’s quite a show.

He’s there almost everyday, and never in the afternoon. He’s always in different clothing so I assume he isn’t homeless. Now I’m sure I could make some smarmy remark about old people being shipped to prison islands, or about crazies in general. But I think if anything the old man teaches me two valuable lessons. The first is that I hope to never be alone and crazy and old in the world. One might be okay, but being all three is a sad state to find oneself in. The second lesson he teaches me is the begging for rides along Dulongpre is a lost cause, and while he may have his reasons (dementia being high on the list here), his inflexibility to change seems to be working against him. So I thank the Old Man for showing me how much a value my few relationships with family and friends, and that change could be a good thing.

Staw Cwossed Wuvers

2004-09-22T10:44:00.000-07:00

I was walking into my local Starbucks, as I and many of the work-a-day robots of the world are prone to do, and there was nothing at all out of place. There were way to many folks in the line, and way to few workers and while I know that they are trying there hardest I am at best a creature with little patience. So I’m standing there and then these two people get in line behind me. They seemed touristy…dressed in bright clothes with fanny packs and fresh sunburns, their deep Texan accents made them look like visitors from afar. I really didn’t care…accept that they were loud, and when I say loud I mean they were really, really loud.

When the entered they were fighting about something, directions maybe, anyhow they had brought there little fight into the beanery with them and as the minutes ticked on and the baristas crawled through one order and then another, the fighting got louder and louder. At first I was the first to notice, then the whole place seemed to be doing that thing where everyone wanted to look, was trying to look, but was fighting not to. Things got a little crazy when she punched him the in chest and he gave her the biggest freaking purple nurple that I have every seen. One of the barista’s actual comment was “holy crap he grabbed her boobs!” This of course made the whole place snicker.

Either way she started to cry really hard. Blubber even. After a second he started to cry to, and by now, I had forgotten about my Mocha Frap (so had that lazy freaking Barista) and watched with horror as the two of the embraced and started talking baby talk to each other. “I sawey baby” and “you huwt me wuver.” They actually used the word "wuver!" Then they shared a really deep kiss and walked out without having ordered a thing. If this wasn’t the most surreal thing I have ever seen then I don’t know what is. At the very least it may be the most surreal thing I have seen this month. Either way it got me to thinking, if that’s what love is, then I guess I’m pretty cool with being single for the foreseeable future.

Scullduggery Is Afoot!

2004-09-17T09:18:00.000-07:00

Those damn kids with their baggy pantaloons and hip-hopping rapifying muzack! They’re all hoodlums that’s what I say! Everyone under 20 is just asking for it! Well I say we give it to them! Let’s take away the one thing that all teens from New York to Seattle to LA have in common! Let’s kick them out of the one place where you can go to hang out when Mom and Dad need to unload! Let us remove the teens of this great nation from the one place where they can congregate freely and openly with friends and foes outside of school on those rare occasions you actually manage to run them out of the house.

Some may say that I am being extreme, but those people need to open their eyes and read the headlines: as of today, Malls across the country are creating curfews for the teenagers that call the Mall a home away from home. Follow this craptastic link . Is it to surprising that the mall at the forefront of this is the elitist Mecca anyone who grew up in Ohio (or went to school there) knows as The Easton Towne Center.

Maybe its just nostalgia for the time I spent hanging out at my local mall, but I think that this is crap. Organizers of the national mall curfew state that they are doing this to make other shoppers less intimidated and to encourage kids to better spend their time. Apparently someone even thinks that by sending the kids home during Mall Adult Swim will force them to spend time with their families or with their schoolwork. These goons fail to realize that the whole reason the Teen Mall population is out there anyhow is because they are trying to get away from their families and their responsibilities! I ask the question that should be springing into all of our minds now: where are our suburban teens going to hang out, because one things is damn certain…they are not going to be hanging out at home.

The Meaning Of It All

2004-09-07T13:26:00.000-07:00

What do I want out of life? Part of me asks this as a simple rhetorical question, a way of kick off an entry that I feel more of an obligation to write then a need to write. But some part of me also wants the ansewers, and that part of me wants them now. I guess it's my nature, but it feels like I need to get on with it.

Sigh...now all I have to figure out what "it" is and then I'm set. I'm off to find myself...talk to you soon.

NEWS!

2004-08-25T17:16:00.000-07:00

*The third day of the office supply stand off looks to be stretching into a fourth, as members of the HR Department diligently refuse the return of the Legal Department’s auto stapler. It is widely suspected that Legal’s retaliation, a complete embargo off all incoming faxes meant for the HR stalwarts has done more harm then good to the whole of the inner office community. As of now, payroll is a day late, a dozen perspective interns remain waiting in reception, and a demand from the New York Office for Personnel records are all in limbo. When asked to comment on the embargo, Legal Secretary Jennie Marckowitz reddened in the face and was quoted as saying, “Blow it our your ass!”

*The mailroom staff is treating threats from VP of Admin Guy Barder to, “Replace them with shit throwing apes,” with great seriousness. Barder, a 25 year employee, is known for his radical and passionate initiatives involving animals, both of the domesticated and wild variety. “Last year he told me a blind limp dicked ferret could clean better then me,” stated janitor Bill Upps. Bader’s other plans to bring animals into the office environment include, gorillas that can type and roller skate, and several types of rodents that apparently can file better then “These stupid jackasses!” Attempts to get a response from HR concerning potential new hires from the animal kingdom have gone unanswered.

*The phone located in the empty office on the third floor continues to ring for the third straight hour today, as interns and assistants a like hunker down to wait out the resolute caller. The office in question was last occupied in October of 2003, and has since been a designated storage area. “I didn’t even know there was a phone in there anymore,” responded the building manager, “In fact I know there isn’t a phone in there.” When questioned, interns working within ringing distance of the spectral phone from beyond stared blankly when asked why no one would “just answer it.”

A Humble Retraction

2004-08-25T16:29:00.000-07:00

Oh...hi...about that whole, "We are insuring our own destruction" thing. Yeah I think that I might have been wrong. So...um...never mind; go about your business.

A Hint of Thinsg To Come

2004-08-25T11:39:00.000-07:00

We are really asking for it. That’s all I’m going to say. We are really just asking for total and absolute destruction and this time it's for real. That's all I'm going to say.

Super Villany Goodness...

2004-08-24T17:45:00.000-07:00

In recent news we have seen a slew of terrible and debased stories, and I’m not just talking about contemporary news reporting. No, while the stories that we focus on these days do, as the kids would have it, “suck” for the most part, I’m talking about the actually content of the news. War and famine, corporate theft, dishonest government agencies, and terrorists carry the day. Aside from the occasional discussion on the net about some kind of Space Armada or some such thing, there are no stories in the news that really interest me.

Until now.

So from this one simple reader in Southern California, I would like to shout out a fond thank you to the criminal masterminds (for lets face it, the story is better that way) that pulled off the daring day time robbery at the Edvard Munch museum. The thieves, armed with automatic weapons, a hell of a lot of gall, and a devil may care attitude thundered into the museum, ripped a few priceless paintings off the wall and made a daring escape. Every once in a while we will get a few robberies like this, and as my associate J.C. will say, it makes me feel all warm inside that there are still great criminal masterminds out there hatching harebrained schemes for gross personal benefit. Consider if you will this or perhaps the great foiled jewel heist of the De Beers

How I long for those halcyon days of yore when schemes of this magnitude were common. Though to be perfectly honest I have no freaking clue when said halcyon days may have occurred. As of now we must treat them as Christmas gifts, big surprises we get every once in a while. I guess that way they, like holidays can stay special.A final note, reports on the Munch heist seem to indicate that the authorities are hoping to get the paintings back, considering that they will be hard to sell on the open market. I would only point out to these police and INTERPOL agents that they need to start thinking like masterminds if they ever want to get their paintings back. Start rounding up all the goateed mad scientists, cat obsessed industrialists, and super sexy femme fatales out for revenge. If anything they will be tuned in to the channels the crooks in question are using. I hear that these evil genius types are big for places like Monte Carlo or the Caymans this time of year.

Fly Me To The Moon...

2004-08-23T14:11:00.000-07:00

So as evidenced in my brief writings on the subject of the USSF and national pride and foreign respect as well as the economic and educational benefits to the space fleet the reasons for mounting such an endeavor are manifold. But perhaps the most important reason for the space fleet is the one that is the hardest to quantify and put into simple words. In short, the space fleet would offer millions of Americans a new lease on life. Be it in the construction, in tours of duty in the Marines, or even the exalted post of Commander of the Fleet, Vice-Admiral of the Skies, the fleet gives Americans something bigger to dream about something larger to work towards as a whole that will challenge us as a people to dream far beyond the stars.

By uniting the varied talents and resources of our nation into the construction of the fleet we will fro the first time ever be able to fulfill our Global Manifest Destiny; a better, brighter world of democracy and freedom for all mankind.

When international peace is enforced by the Northern and Southern Hemispheric Battle Command Groups, imagine what great things we might be able to accomplish with the whole world rallied behind the Fleet. No longer nationalism will stand in the way of social and technological advancement. No longer will fruitless political bickering between nation states over shadow the important issues of world hunger, or world medical crisis. As the Fleet made our nation great by offering jobs to the jobless and hope to the hopeless so will the Fleet offer to the rest of humanity. Suddenly the third world is not so hungry…the Sahara is filled with grain produced with advance hydro farming techniques. Suddenly the first world is not so crowded, as colonists form every walk of life board troop carriers to join the Viceroys of the Moon and Mars in creating new frontiers. Suddenly the mysterious in the hearts of our jungles, the depths of our oceans, and in the frozen wastes of our two poles are open for exploration and for assimilation into the greater World View.

The truth of it all my friends is this; what do you want to do with your life? Do you want to toil away endlessly doing what you can to get by, barley eking out a life for yourself and your family? Or would you rather stand shoulder to shoulder with the best and brightest of your nation, clad in the red and white of the United States Space Fleet, bolding breaking new ground…or…new…um…sky…as we take our rightful place among the stars? I don’t know about you, but for me the choice is clear…

A Brighter Today, Some Time Tomorrow

2004-08-20T10:19:00.000-07:00

Due to my busy schedule campaigning for the Fleet I found myself unable to make a point about the economic benefits of mounting such an ordeal. Given that I was hoping to make Thursday a day to speak to the security implications of the Fleet, I will do my humble best to incorporate the two in today’s entry.

The economic advantages to the Space Fleet are as gigantic as the proposed Flagship the USSF Eclipse. First, in the construction of the fleet we will have to employ hundreds if not thousands of scientists in order to bring together the many scattered technologies that are out there that will form the composite parts of the ships. From new synthetic materials for the hulls, to nanotech powered AI to run the cold fusion engines, these scientists will be breaking new ground by laying aside their differences and using synergy and a little old fashioned American ingenuity to take the Space Fleet from the drawing board to the skies. In order to help speed up this R&D Process, the government will have no choice but to open up certain sealed documents it was saving for a rainy day in order to stimulate the

Once we have developed the components needed to get the fleet built we are left with the daunting task of actually putting these pieces together. On average, it can take three to five years to build a contemporary aircraft carrier. To build a standard Omega Class Cruiser, a ship roughly five times as big we would need a huge workforce to get the job done. Suddenly, thousands of skilled and unskilled laborers re at works in the Space Foundries learning new skills that will prepare them for years of gainful and satisfying employment serving the country and providing for their families. All the while, the USSF Command will have to be training the tens of thousands of Space Mariners and Marines, creating yet another fantastic employment opportunity while at the same time creating a whole new class of people that understand and value national pride and moral.

So there you have it. From the R and D to ship support personnel thousands will be hired to make the fleet a reality. Their jobs are never over, for as contemporary military practice has shown us, the second the flagship hits the water…er…air, a new prototype hits the drawing boards. Add to the list of the newly employed the hordes of staff and crew needed to run the fleet at full capacity and I don’t see unemployment being a problem for the Stars and Strips anymore. Factor in the huge reinvestment in America corporations and the government will need to make in order to support the fleet and it is clear to see that this new America is a stronger, safer and more powerful entity then ever before! GO USA!!!

Second Star to the Right

2004-08-17T10:39:00.000-07:00

As Americans, we are faced with a lot to be concerned with these days. Unemployment, the war in Iraq, the threat of further terrorist attacks, and general uncertainty as to where we are headed cloud our minds and prevent us from moving forward. It is for these reasons that we need a Space Fleet.

Now don’t worry, I’m not advocating an increase in funding to those guys in Cape Canaveral. They look to space as scientists and explorers. I am calling for a new division of the armed forces, one that will focus on developing massive space war ships. Why spend billions of dollars on figuring out if there is water on Mars? Why not funnel that money off into completing work on capital ships that will launch thousands of Space Marines into the upper atmosphere to worlds beyond?

Oh I know what you are thinking: He must be mad! That’s what I thought to when I first imagined a Space Fleet in low orbit as a reminder of the might and majesty of the US of A. That is why I will outline the positive reasons for Space Fleet construction over the course of the next few days and hopefully convince you to vote for the candidate this November that will take us, and orbital warfare, to the stars.

Those of you that think that there is no historical precedent for mounting a Space Fleet are mistaken. In December 1906, Theodore Roosevelt stood on the docks in Virginia and bid farewell to the Atlantic Fleet. Crisply painted white battleships, 16 in all were embarking on a world tour for peace. Roosevelt had many reasons for sending the fleet on this unprecedented voyage. First, it would show the American people just how powerful and well established their country was. Second, the fleet would reinforce to the rest of the world, specifically Japan, that the United States was not to be taken lightly, and that War must be averted at all costs. Third, the trip would generate public interest in the Navy, which would in turn allow the government to approve spending on creating the next generation of ships to further insure our dominance of the seas.

Some detractors laughed at Roosevelt…no such thing had ever been achieved before, and the thought of American Warships engendering a positive response abroad was absurd. Yet in almost every case the Great White Fleet was welcomed with open arms as it made its way around the globe, and Roosevelt was laughing all the way to the bank.

Imagine if you will the positive response that a fleet of warships cruising at 20,000 feet would provoke as we sailed over our allies capital cities today? Capital ships with 5,000 crew, Carrier Class ships able to deploy retrofitted stealth bombers and F-18s at high altitudes, and battle ships that silently glide through the atmosphere far above the dangerous reach of rocket propelled grenades and conventional missals. Each one proudly baring the stars and stripes and constantly reminding people at home and abroad of the industry, advancement, and ingenuity of the United States.

Tomorrow I will talk about the economic upswings to the deployment of the Space Fleet, until then America…

NEWS!!!

2004-08-16T16:23:00.000-07:00

News from the Front Desk

* Today saw great happiness in all the land as the office manager saw fit to install the newest in headset technology to the main console. There was much fanfare and pomp as the headset system in question was lapped around the third floor office three times, once for each of the major divisions of the company that would stand to benefit from this marvel of wireless genius.

* In other news, the Bulletin Board, an item of great importance to the office, known for its sweeping stencil work and collage was horribly defaced today. Security was called to the scene at 9:14 this morning, after intern, Mary Sinclair was found sputtering madly in the corner. Doctors, credit her condition to the shock of seeing the great work of art defaced in such a meaningless way. Cornelius Haversham, creator of the Board was upbeat, at a conference on the roof of the building, where, after shaking a fist at the Heavens the genius decried that, this will only make me stronger! You will pay! The graffiti, since removed, was described as a piece of notebook paper advertising a couch for sale.

* Administrative Assistant for the accounting department, Becky Gerber was complemented today on her fantastic penmanship. This marks the third day in a row that her supervisor, Murray, took the time to point this out. Gerber shared a sly smile with an office mate and was heard saying, he wants me. Real Bad." Gerber is 43, and shares an apartment with her two cats Colonel Boots and Joyfuss.

2004-08-05T12:42:00.000-07:00

Time goes on and as it does I am left with no alternative but to admit that I have really got nothing new to say or do that would be any interest to you, my one reader. So instead of just writing about what I don't have to write about, I decided it would be fun to just makes something up.

Today I got cast in the third starwars movie. I'm going to be pretty sweet.

That lie is infinitely more interesting then my own life at the moment.

Civics 102

2004-07-28T13:11:00.000-07:00

Recent discussion reminded me that I got up on my soap box recently and a point of clarification may be in order. A few days ago I stated that the American people should have to take a standard civics test in order to be permitted to vote in any and all elections. There have been enough comments (though none of them posted here), for me to rethink said statement and redirect some of my comments.

First of all, to answer concerns about the tests content, my intentions are not to deny suffrage to folks. My hope would be that by asking people to jump through this hoop they will become better informed voters, and by that token, become better citizens. By requiring the average voter to do a little homework on the issues and the candidates they will vote for what they think is right as opposed to voting based on party.

I have been thinking about the problem of voter turn out and voter knowledge a lot lately and I guess my civics test is just me lashing out with a way to combat ignorance and a bit of the brainwashing that goes into contemporary party politics. Republicans aren't always evil, and Democrats aren't always peace-knick. By forcing the electorate to earn their right to suffrage every four years, it would be my hope to see a death to blind voting in those people who actually take the 15 minutes it takes to go to the polls and cast a vote.

This all stems from hearing time and time again people shrug their shoulders and justify their voting choice with statements like "well we're from the same party" or "I went with the lesser of two evils." I guess I should be happy that people are voting at all, but I can't help but cringe at the thought of a vote just for the sake of voting. While that is a great way to exercise your rights, I would rather see a man or woman voting for some issue or with some thought to a candidate's stance on an issue, regardless of how small and trivial it may be. In the end I see voting blind like loading a gun, closing your eyes and squeezing the trigger. Chances are pretty good that something horrible is going to happen.

Comicon

2004-07-26T10:45:00.000-07:00

So it’s been a while. I have to honest, the board that I put together was enough of a post for a month worth of updates, but given the gravity of recent events I feel that it’s probably a good time to throw some things up here.

What are these events you ask, none other then Comicon International! Held at the San Diego Convention Center, this massive event takes up the whole of the building and it plays host to thousands of people from all over the world. To say the least the day was great from start to finish. Between the great new artists, the booths of established writers, to the quasi-celebrities that to the dork world are demigods there was hardly enough time for the group of us to sit down.

But for as awesome as the whole day was, it was mingled with a tinge of weird and even the down right scary. There were literally whole columns of storm troopers marching through the place, as well as all manner of fan boys and girls done up as their favorite characters mainstream and otherwise. Some of the costumes were great, and while seen anywhere else they would make me flinch, they were at home amongst the fans and vendors and really weird gaming dudes.
I hope to give some more details soonish as to what went down, but I’m kind of reeling from the event still. Let me close by saying, Godstorm is awesome, comics are cool, Furries scare me, and one day might not be enough for Comicon next year!

Mission accomplished!

2004-07-19T16:41:00.000-07:00

Sweet Zeus! After weeks of toil, cutting and snipping construction paper, gluing and glittering a collage of grand design, reorganizing the cooperate and federal notices that for weeks, nay months had created a misshapen milase I have succeeded in my remedial task!

The Bulletin Board is done.

It took a lot out of me, but finally after so long in creating what now reads to me as a testament to the human will I feel as if I have bested art itself. If only you had the ability to see what I have done, you, like the souless, artless fools at my place of business would fall into tears. Who ever said that matter could not be created or destroyed was a hack! I have taken a void and filled it with an art so grand, that all in the office gather around my mighty creation for all the latest news and information I see fit to post.

My power is great, but rest assured I shall not allow my new rank as savior of the medium of collage go to my head. The board would not condone such behavior. But what shall I do now...Perhaps work on organizing the mighty junk drawer! Whoo-Ha!

Civics 101...

2004-07-16T09:48:00.000-07:00

A recent fight around the water cooler had me convinced that some Americans should be stripped of their right to vote. In civics class in high school we had to come up with ways to educate voters and hopefully, increase voter turnout. We had a lot of people talking about incentive packages; vote today and get a tax credit or vote today and get a free turkey or trip to Disney world. I on the other hand was in full support of a standard civics test. When was the country founded? What is the Bill of Rights? Who are the candidates? George Washington…discuss? If you can’t score a 70 percent (C) then you can’t vote this year. Granted such a system favors the educated, and in doing so potentially removes a huge segment of the population, but I’m not sure I care. If you can’t tell me that the declaration of Independence was signed in Philadelphia in 1776 then I don’t know if you have earned the right to complain about your hanging chad.

Americans take most of what they have for granted, forgetting millions who sacrificed to give them a leg up in the world. The most obvious response to this rant is that it is my God given to vote or not to vote…I have the choice. Well to those people I say stop rationalizing your ignorance about the candidates and issues or your obvious laziness and take the 15 minutes it takes to pull some levers. I would rather have a system that favors the literate then a system that promotes apathy among the willing.

I will follow that statement with another bold stroke…I think that it is the State’s responsibility to EDUCATE its people about the things on my civics test, if not a few things like math and maybe some geography. Geography is so underated.

Glad Hands

2004-07-12T10:23:00.000-07:00

There is a certain amount of etiquette that comes with certain places. There are things you wear in church, things you wear to the beach. There are words you say to your friends at the bar, and these words aren't necessarily the same ones you might want to use in front of your mom.

These are the kinds of things that come with living in a society, right, the social mores or what ever that tell us what is appropriate and what is not. Well, as you may imagine there are many such rules in the Byzantine halls of Hollywood. Most of them are pretty obvious; don't tell the truth about the bosses pet project, never admit to eating carbs, you know the usual. But there is one that I can't take...Glad handing.

I'm not sure what it is, but there is something about glad handing that always makes me a little uneasy. The worst thing about it is that you could have a perfectly good talk with someone and then as soon as it's over up with the fake, toothy smiles, out with the hand, two quick pumps and you are on your way. It's as if you fall away and are replaced with a toothy demon from WMA or CAA; the thing is I'm not closing a deal, I'm saying 'see you later!' The second you turn away you think to yourself what the hell was that about?

And that's my question...What is it all about...Glad handing, not life.

Blah, blah, blah

2004-07-08T13:56:00.000-07:00

It feels like it has been a good long while since I made even a marginal effort in getting something new to the page. When I think about why it has taken me so long, I think that it has a lot to do with the extremely stupid poem that I posted in a fit of caffeinated, sugar driven attack of the ain’t-I- clever’s. It’s pretty stupid, and I apologize.

My days of late have been filled with hemming and hawing about the state of the union as it is today, and more specifically, which of the two homogenous candidates for president will I vote for in the next few months. I suppose I should follow that with an immediate correction- they are not homogenous as much as they appear to be equally not good in different areas. Where one has a better economic plan, the other seems to have foreign policy initiatives that I agree with more. I am not going to go into my thoughts on the specifics of each of them, or more precisely, I am not going to go into what I think of each in terms of the issues. At least not now.

The thing that I am really mulling over, the thing that has gotten my goat is my growing distaste for the political system as it stands now. I guess what it comes down to is that there are no politicians that I believe in, no political pov that sings to me anymore. I guess that is why I consider one candidate just as good as the other…at the moment it would seem that we have shifted to a point in history where I am unable to even choose the lesser of two evils; one will probably be just as bad as the other. This posting leaves a lot to be desired; I don’t go to bat with issues and I don’t stake a claim one direction or the other. I hope to over the next few months, but at this point I am at a loss. Does anyone know who I should vote for?

The Wreck of The Los Angeles Traffic...Part one...

2004-07-01T11:25:00.000-07:00

Today was a rough day on the way to work, and as I flipped around on the radio, the following song floated into my head. It's stupid, but in my current state of mind I figured why not...for kicks think of the tune for the "Wreck of the Edmond Fitzgerald."

The Wreck of Los Angeles Traffic...Part I.

The legend lives on from Los Angeles Town
Of the big road they call the Freeway
Those streets, it is said, never give up their dead
When the skies of Hollywood go smoggy.

With lanes broad across – 4 each way or more
Then any sane city would’ve asked for
Yet this good man and true was a bone to be chewed
When the trucks of Cal-Dot stopped early.

The man was the pride of the Bethel Park side
Most likely to win big in the movies
As the big egos will go his was bigger than most
With a resume well padded and seasoned.

He awoke in the light of the new morning bright
When he left the apartment in Glendale
He had more then the time he needed to drive
All the way to the office on San Vicente.

The line up on Barham made him question his way
And the horns blared or’ the morning radio,
And everyone knew, as the man did, too,
T’was the traffic of LA come stealing.

A Quick Word...

2004-06-28T09:22:00.000-07:00

Well I’m back. This last weekend was more then I could have ever hoped for and a great deal more then I could have ever guessed. As I have said before, this past weekend saw me and a good deal of my closest friends from school reunited for the wedding of two of our own. It was a fantastic time, and I feel that since I took the time to mention the event in question earlier here, I should provide some kind of closing statement.

The wine flowed, the people laughed, the cars got beached on the side of the dark country roads in compromising locals in the middle of the night. The wedding went off (at least from this observers POV) without any major snags and it might be a bit of understatement to say that a good time was had by all. For more information about the times we had, I would check out http://thesixman.com/justin/pictures/thewedding/ .

Told you so...

2004-06-23T13:04:00.000-07:00

Well I hate to say it, but I told you I would suck at this. I went from two or three postings a day, to one every other day, to just remembering now that I have the damn thing. Considering that it is in the nature of these things to really post for your own amusement, well I can't say that I am that disappointed. I know me and me is big on leaving me out in the cold.

Today is interesting. This time tomorrow I will be back in Ohio, a stones throw away from my old Alma Mater. The event in question: A wedding. I have attended a few of these things in my short days, but all and all, none of them have hit as close to home as this one. The couple is question are two of the best people I know...Good natured, funny, and they have been tolerant of me when I have once or twice failed to be civil. They are a great match, and I wish them only the best but their wedding is already stirring up its fair share of "big" questions that I know full well no one has the answer to.

So instead of waxing on such pressing issues as "will I ever get married?" or "when will I fall in love?" I plan on asking the real important questions such as "where's the bar." At least that one can be taken care of by a helpful waiter or recently reunited friend. It's kind of stupid to worry about big questions like "when will I fall in love?" There is no way to answer and even if it could be addressed I am not sure I would want to know...It would take all the fun out of hopelessly careening towards death.

And now, for a drink.

Sound and Fury...

2004-06-17T13:17:00.000-07:00

So far, today has been a slice of normal. I spent the morning with busy work, and then moved onto a project that I have little or no desire to do. It is my duty to create a bulletin board. This particular project was bequeathed to me by my Receptionist forebears and apparently has not been attempted since February. Great fine. So it's my job. It should be simple right? Wrong.

I'm not sure if it is the lack of social interaction or my own desire for expression, but this thing is already more complicated then it really should be. I should have known I was in trouble when I started blueprinting the thing. This amalgamation of glitter and cut outs shall be the mightiest board of its type in Hollywood! I figure go big or go home...If anyone has any suggestions now is the season for creation.

Man do I love art.

Another Day...

2004-06-16T22:24:00.000-07:00

Another day another dollar. Simple office throw-away line or harbinger of doom? I have been thinking about this a lot lately and decided that it is just the right type of thing to post here on the old Internet. The subject at hand: is it just another day and another dollar, or is it more then that. Don’t walk away yet…no really…let me make my point!

The issue that I am brining up here is one of great import to me; shouldn’t work be more then that? Shouldn’t work be doing what you want, doing something that makes you happy. For those of you already rolling the old peepers I’ll concede that perhaps the best thing one can hope for is a job that doesn’t make you hate (life, people, animals, whatever). It would be nice if that tired old phrase could be true but it’s a sorry fact of life that most of us will not get the dream job. Most of us will be forced by circumstances beyond our control to get a job to pay the bills or make ends meet and while I am sure there are some folks out there who will prove me wrong, it is DAMN unlikely that the job you take out of necessity will work out to be a job that makes you feel content. No, from what I’ve seen it is better to shoot for a job that doesn’t make you hate…some job that pays the bills but doesn’t ruin every single outlook on life for you.

Another day another dollar is a terrible phrase in my book. “Another day another dollar” is something that if said with conviction signals that you have given up the hope of ever doing anything enjoyable with your life. You have in short become one of the most dreaded things out there in cooperate America: A Lifer.

From my humble experience, every organization has got at least one Lifer…a person who walked into the job right out of school and has been there ever since. These people are no different then you or I; they had the same thought when they took the job…”this is temporary, I’ll wait here for something better to come along.” Then before they know it they have been there for 10 years and at that point why leave?

The sad thing about Lifers seems to be that most of them did not choose to stay in constant career stasis…they painted themselves into a corner. They got really good at doing what was expected of them to get the job done and before they had any idea of what was happening they were given names like “old reliable Jane.” Over time, those same repetitive tasks that any trained monkey or intern could do become life and death to the Lifer; it is as if the whole micro-universe of the office revolves around the axis of this one mid-level employee.

As I said, the prospect of becoming a lifer scares the hell out of me. And as far as I have been able to tell the best way to spot a Lifer also gives us the best clues in how to avoid becoming one. Take a lap around the office. As you pass offices and work stations subtly look at each one. Go ahead…keep looking…the desk covered with personalized coffee mugs, orthopedic back pillows, goofy mouse pads, pictures of pets and perhaps one or two kids. That’s him. Aside from one or two touches that make his crap seem a little corny what does all of that junk do? It makes him comfortable. The bobble-heads, the crazy pens, and the drink bird mark this place the lifers place, his own little slice of home in the middle of the office. Meet the enemy: Comfort. The second you get comfortable enough to start brining in pictures of pets the second you know that you are to well adjusted in the workplace. No wonder the lifer gets stuck! Who would want to leave all of this stuff behind…or go to the trouble of picking it all up and moving. The second you are that comfortable is the second you resign yourself to data entry for a LONG time. I’m not advocating Spartan living conditions here; no reason to sit on cinderblocks and 2 x 4’s.

Take a look around the office tomorrow…and if you notice a coworker who is getting a lot of great mileage from that mini gumball machine or Sharper Image foot massager, be kind. And stay on your toes…and be ready to take action if you notice such things starting to appear around your desk.

A proper start...

2004-06-15T20:59:00.000-07:00

I can’t think of what way best to begin this kind of thing. In the absence of a witty story or a real eye catching turn of phrase I suppose I went with the cop out…I started by telling you, whoever the hell you might be, that I don’t know how to start. If anything such a trick is more for me then for you; it gives me a place to start so I can at least write something; it kind of makes you feel good…you just write and write and then before you know it you have a whole paragraph of text and you feel as if you really accomplished something.

So far it’s working.

I guess I can go on to further warn you- in addition to having no idea how to start this mess; I am a terrible person for keeping up with these things. Journals, diaries whatever. I have always royally sucked at keeping them. In the third and fifth grade respectively we had to keep diaries all the damn time. I think it was meant to be a way for us to learn how to write and such but for me it was just an introduction to how to cram three months of work into a day and a half of very, very quick and poorly put together writing. It’s not that I don’t think keeping a journal is not a worthwhile thing. For me it really is quite the opposite; I have tried so many times to do it…but at the end of the day when I have the choice of sitting down and watching TV, or reading, or calling someone or writing in the old journal…well I would choose the thing that wasn’t writing. It just never seemed like there was anything worth writing to put to paper for my children’s children.

I wonder what the means.

So then, if you are still with me on this magical adventure into the mind and imagination, well bully for you. I have been honest so far (though I can’t promise I will be honest all the time). I don’t know how to start, and I don’t have a great track record with keeping these things going for more then a few days without becoming enamored with something else that might be shinny over in the far corner of the room.

I’m pretty sure I have always been that way. I like to play with things in my mind, I like to come up with ideas. There is nothing better then coming up with a new idea, be it for a paper or a story or a conversation. That moment when the idea hits me seems to be the best part, because without fail, the idea is sure to loose its glimmer when the next one comes along. One minute I am working on a novel, then before you know it the best idea for a screenplay thunders into the room and I can’t help but leave the novel where it lays to chase down the new idea. I am fairly sure that this far from good feature to my personality has more then once worked against me, that is has driven some friends crazy. My only defense is that it would seem that even if 99 of these ideas when polished and worked out suck hardcore, they were all worth it for that 1 that is worth saving.

I think I could rationalize anything

Looking back over the last few years I suppose that the reason my journals have had a tendency to fail is not because they began to bore me…it was because I couldn’t understand why I was cooling my heels writing about me when an idea was just floating off in the distance. Better to chase after that potential great idea then to sit in a holding pattern talking about the girl who snubbed me, that band I like, or that post modern theory that has me all bound up in knots. Now that I have filled up a good page or so of writing I suppose we get to the crux of it; I am really writing this today with absolutely no hope of finishing it. I am writing here in order to get the juices flowing, in order to wait for the next big idea to come along.

So please join me while we wait for something better to come along.

Well...

2004-06-15T15:04:00.000-07:00

Well I have been waiting for about twenty minutes. Aren't people supposed to write in and fight with my viewpoints or comment on my statements? Hmmm...Me thinks I have been giving to much credit to this fad.

In the Begining

2004-06-15T14:27:00.000-07:00

Ha! I realize that now, as I sit here trying to set this damnable thing up, that I am going to suck at keeping it running and suck even more at keeping it interesting. Sorry, I just thought that you should know that before we got any farther. I don’t want anyone getting any mixed signals, or crossed wires. That’s really the way of it. I am sure to elaborate on both of those points very soon (but as I am at work now I am not really ready to commit the time and energy for a kick off that deserves any type of pat on the back.) but for now I am ready to rock with just a simple test-post.

I can’t help but notice that I probably have committed the same type of things in this my first “blog” that many others do: I make light of the fact that I am posting my thoughts on such a public forum, I joke about the content, Hell I even go to the great lengths to title my first entry with a very original and creative line.

See I told you I would suck at this. But man do I love me a good trend, and since this seems the flavor of the week thing to do, I am more then happy to waste just a bit of the Man’s time and see what all of the fuss is about.