From The Front Desk To Your Desk...

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

A Fate Worse Then Death

Summer time is traditionally a time when the ol’TV sucks. It’s just a fact of life…our favorite shows, regardless of what they may be can only run so long in a season before actors, crew, and audiences just need a break. Recently I have filled my time normally relegated to watching TV to taking in some of the crappy movies on cable. By “Crappy” I mean those movies that have been on rotation on the cable networks FORVER and never seem to go away.

But while I’ve been watching my crappy shows, it appears that the rest of America has got Dance Fever. And I’m afraid, very afraid. First there was ABC’s summer time smash Dancing With the Stars. I’ve never seen the show, but from what I understand, it was the light kind of fare perfect for summertime; what could be funnier then watching J. Pieterman and Evander Holyfield shoot around a dance floor? But a recent article posted on the webernet has me shaking in my boots.

Fox, The Lords of Recycling, are now airing their own dance competition, this time brought to us by the manic geniuses that are ultimately responsible for American Idol. It would appear that tinsel town has noticed that one dancing show was good, so applying industry logic, one hundred dancing shows should be freaking awesome. And I know what they are thinking: somewhere in this town right now there is some jackass Development guy who is thinking…”Hey, my kids like playing that Dance Dance Revolution Game, why don’t we do a show about that.” You’re scoffing? It’s happening people…we could be in for a real world of shit!

I’m begging you, join me in writing your congressman, picketing the networks, and posting hundreds of letters. Let’s cast aside our differences and join together just this once to fend off the growing storm that could be headed to a TV near you very soon. Just think how things would have been different if someone would have stood up to TV in the late nineties before the Reality Wars won the airwaves. Come on people, an apocalypse is on the horizon and we are going to have to act VERY fast if we want to avoid it. Repent the end is here!

Friday, July 08, 2005

"Hey Baby, Who's Your Lawyer?"

Recently I had the pleasure of speaking to a long lost associate. Of course the conversation made its sad and sorry way to the whole relationship thing. Don’t worry; I’ll spare you any details from my (non existent) personal life. But our little talk got me to thinking.

Relationships would be a lot better if there was a little more paperwork involved. The actual time together, and especially the eventual break up, would go so much better for all parties if we took things a step or two slower and had a few contracts drawn up. Maybe it’s just my recent employment with Big Media, but it seems that we could save each other a hell of a lot of heart ache and gnashing of teeth if we got some things squared away long before one person or another drives the relationship off a cliff.

As an entity, the couple will have special rights and responsibilities to its constituent members, each of which is laid down specifically in the contract. Before two people start dating, they can sit down with their respective lawyers and negotiate for things like sex, housework, dates, who pays for what, airport rides and or pick ups, movie choices, you name it!

Once a year, couples could get together with their lawyers around tax time and renew their Agreements. At this time, either party can present new offers to the other, renegotiating terms through their legal representation, bargaining with the other side in order to keep things going or break things off. If anything, this will create a new era of honesty within relationships, since contracts will be airtight and present little wiggle room and you will be forced to come to the table and talk about what you want! It’s genius!

I think the real benefits are when a relationship is on the rocks. Break ups could become so easy! Gone would be the days of dragging out the end with painful half-truths. No more will there be weeks of avoidance, and confusing mixed messages. Each agreement will stipulate, let’s say 7 line items – things that would constitute grounds for dissolving The Couple. If either side violates, I don’t know, 5 of these things, BAM! It’s over. A letter is mailed by the IRS informing you that you have thirty days to auction off all shared assets and that all privileges and responsibilities agreed to by the couple are here by suspended until a further investigation can be carried out by the appropriate authorities from the office of the Registrar of Relationships.

Can’t you see it? A guy walks up the girl in a bar, she looks him over, and they hit it off well. They have a few drinks, who knows…things get crazy. He wakes up in the morning and instead of finding her number on the nightstand he finds her lawyers card. “Mendelssohn, Goldfarb, & Richards – Relationship Arbitration.” Now that’s love.