Official Office Newsletter

"From the Front Desk To Your Desk!"

Mechanical Problems Lead To Sweet, Sweet Irony

In an ironic turn of events, obnoxious intern Patty Miles and intolerable runner Benny Fairchild were trapped together in the West Elevator for 14 minutes today. Patty, who rose to fame last month after locking herself in a rest room stall for an hour and half is most often seen at the fifth floor copier, which she often confuses with a fax machine. Fairchild, best known as “that creepy guy” is by all accounts an insufferable mouth breather with a touching problem. Plans for a date are in the works.

New Wireless Head Set Brings VP Out of Shell, Office

“Holy Shit! Can you believe this guy?” exclaimed Jason Sanderson, recently appointed VP of Marketing. “What kind of mealy mouthed cock sucker do you think you’re dealing with you little shit?” Sanderson, who takes an increasing number of his business and personal calls while aimlessly wandering throughout the building, was described as a “quiet” or “low key guy” who used to do business behind closed doors before the installation of a wireless headset. Now he can be heard screaming obscenities anywhere within the 14 floor office tower. “It’s kind of fun,” says Security Guard Mitch Bogler. “It’s kind of like a game, you never know where he’ll show up next!” Sanderson was unavailable for comment as he was screaming, “I will rape you till I go blind, asshole!” in the 6th floor kitchen.

Bring Your Daughter To Work Day Slap In Face For Office Spinster

Marcia Martinez fought back tears of shame and depression throughout the workday Tuesday, the Company’s office “Bring Your Daughter To Work Day!” Martinez, a 48 year old childless spinster has never had a meaningful relationship in her life, and has always dreamed of having her own children. Despite several failed attempts to bear children, including a brief and tumultuous marriage the ended in a restraining order being filed against Martinez, the woman has never been able to achieve her ultimate goal of having a family. Martinez did not return from lunch today, sighting a recurring ulcer as her excuse. The call was placed from the bar at Jose’s Tocoria.