From The Front Desk To Your Desk...

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Official Office Newsletter

"From the Front Desk To Your Desk!"

Mechanical Problems Lead To Sweet, Sweet Irony

In an ironic turn of events, obnoxious intern Patty Miles and intolerable runner Benny Fairchild were trapped together in the West Elevator for 14 minutes today. Patty, who rose to fame last month after locking herself in a rest room stall for an hour and half is most often seen at the fifth floor copier, which she often confuses with a fax machine. Fairchild, best known as “that creepy guy” is by all accounts an insufferable mouth breather with a touching problem. Plans for a date are in the works.

New Wireless Head Set Brings VP Out of Shell, Office

“Holy Shit! Can you believe this guy?” exclaimed Jason Sanderson, recently appointed VP of Marketing. “What kind of mealy mouthed cock sucker do you think you’re dealing with you little shit?” Sanderson, who takes an increasing number of his business and personal calls while aimlessly wandering throughout the building, was described as a “quiet” or “low key guy” who used to do business behind closed doors before the installation of a wireless headset. Now he can be heard screaming obscenities anywhere within the 14 floor office tower. “It’s kind of fun,” says Security Guard Mitch Bogler. “It’s kind of like a game, you never know where he’ll show up next!” Sanderson was unavailable for comment as he was screaming, “I will rape you till I go blind, asshole!” in the 6th floor kitchen.

Bring Your Daughter To Work Day Slap In Face For Office Spinster

Marcia Martinez fought back tears of shame and depression throughout the workday Tuesday, the Company’s office “Bring Your Daughter To Work Day!” Martinez, a 48 year old childless spinster has never had a meaningful relationship in her life, and has always dreamed of having her own children. Despite several failed attempts to bear children, including a brief and tumultuous marriage the ended in a restraining order being filed against Martinez, the woman has never been able to achieve her ultimate goal of having a family. Martinez did not return from lunch today, sighting a recurring ulcer as her excuse. The call was placed from the bar at Jose’s Tocoria.

Fact and Fiction

I love stories about archeology and hidden secrets and the whole nine yards. Indiana Jones can do no wrong by me, you know? So when I sawTHIS …well suffice to say it’s pretty damn sweet!

Friday, June 17, 2005

Dead in the Water

You know what I can't stand?

Shark Movies.

Now don't get me wrong, there is one, maybe one and a half shark movies out there that are fantastic (Jaws...I count the sequels as 5ths and quarters of movies). I don't want to go the extra mile of saying the Steve got it right with one try with Jaws, but let's be honest here: how many god damned shark movies do we need, really?

I know that the movie business doesn't really concern itself with what we need, that they are really in the business anymore of manufacturing the desire to go to the movies through marketing, cross-promotional deals, and over wrought trailers. But come on guys, how many ways do you see a shark movie playing out? People go in the water, An industrialist/mayor/extreme sports crew/mad scientist decrees that obvious shark related deaths are in fact not, that guy get eaten, and then someone with a name like Dirk or Powell destroys the shark. Until the sequel. And I know that sequels tend to blow no matter what, that is just a fact of life. But you have got to agree with me here, Shark movie sequels rank as some of the WORST.

That's it. That's the story. There is nothing you can do to jazz it up, and we KNOW what is going to happen. So I ask the question why the hell do we need so many damn movies with sharks? The Jaws Movies, The 4 Shark Attack movies (featuring magalodons), Spring Break Shark Attack, and that abortion featuring LL Cool J with the genetically modified sharks.

God they suck!

We're done guys. No more please. The genre, if you dare to call it that, is dead in the water (oh man, what did I just do) and the stories have about as much appeal as Sandpaper Band-Aids. Let's join together and stop the madness.

Crawling Back

So. You finally come sniffing around here again huh? What, you're "friends" over at that other place finally get sick of all of your assanine chatter, your "talking" and your sharing and your giving and all of that other...stuff? Finally realize what the truth of it is. YOU NEED ME! You might hate me, but in the end, when it's all said and done, you need my simpering, my misplaced and over done wordery, my overabundant and heavy flawed use and abuse of the English language.

Have I missed you? What kind of question is that? I haven't even thought about us since...man....like, forever. Wait why am i trying to justify my actions to you! You were the one who stopped reading! Ass.