From The Front Desk To Your Desk...

Wednesday, August 25, 2004


*The third day of the office supply stand off looks to be stretching into a fourth, as members of the HR Department diligently refuse the return of the Legal Department’s auto stapler. It is widely suspected that Legal’s retaliation, a complete embargo off all incoming faxes meant for the HR stalwarts has done more harm then good to the whole of the inner office community. As of now, payroll is a day late, a dozen perspective interns remain waiting in reception, and a demand from the New York Office for Personnel records are all in limbo. When asked to comment on the embargo, Legal Secretary Jennie Marckowitz reddened in the face and was quoted as saying, “Blow it our your ass!”

*The mailroom staff is treating threats from VP of Admin Guy Barder to, “Replace them with shit throwing apes,” with great seriousness. Barder, a 25 year employee, is known for his radical and passionate initiatives involving animals, both of the domesticated and wild variety. “Last year he told me a blind limp dicked ferret could clean better then me,” stated janitor Bill Upps. Bader’s other plans to bring animals into the office environment include, gorillas that can type and roller skate, and several types of rodents that apparently can file better then “These stupid jackasses!” Attempts to get a response from HR concerning potential new hires from the animal kingdom have gone unanswered.

*The phone located in the empty office on the third floor continues to ring for the third straight hour today, as interns and assistants a like hunker down to wait out the resolute caller. The office in question was last occupied in October of 2003, and has since been a designated storage area. “I didn’t even know there was a phone in there anymore,” responded the building manager, “In fact I know there isn’t a phone in there.” When questioned, interns working within ringing distance of the spectral phone from beyond stared blankly when asked why no one would “just answer it.”

A Humble Retraction

Oh...hi...about that whole, "We are insuring our own destruction" thing. Yeah I think that I might have been wrong. mind; go about your business.

A Hint of Thinsg To Come

We are really asking for it. That’s all I’m going to say. We are really just asking for total and absolute destruction and this time it's for real. That's all I'm going to say.

Tuesday, August 24, 2004

Super Villany Goodness...

In recent news we have seen a slew of terrible and debased stories, and I’m not just talking about contemporary news reporting. No, while the stories that we focus on these days do, as the kids would have it, “suck” for the most part, I’m talking about the actually content of the news. War and famine, corporate theft, dishonest government agencies, and terrorists carry the day. Aside from the occasional discussion on the net about some kind of Space Armada or some such thing, there are no stories in the news that really interest me.

Until now.

So from this one simple reader in Southern California, I would like to shout out a fond thank you to the criminal masterminds (for lets face it, the story is better that way) that pulled off the daring day time robbery at the Edvard Munch museum. The thieves, armed with automatic weapons, a hell of a lot of gall, and a devil may care attitude thundered into the museum, ripped a few priceless paintings off the wall and made a daring escape. Every once in a while we will get a few robberies like this, and as my associate J.C. will say, it makes me feel all warm inside that there are still great criminal masterminds out there hatching harebrained schemes for gross personal benefit. Consider if you will this or perhaps the great foiled jewel heist of the De Beers

How I long for those halcyon days of yore when schemes of this magnitude were common. Though to be perfectly honest I have no freaking clue when said halcyon days may have occurred. As of now we must treat them as Christmas gifts, big surprises we get every once in a while. I guess that way they, like holidays can stay special.A final note, reports on the Munch heist seem to indicate that the authorities are hoping to get the paintings back, considering that they will be hard to sell on the open market. I would only point out to these police and INTERPOL agents that they need to start thinking like masterminds if they ever want to get their paintings back. Start rounding up all the goateed mad scientists, cat obsessed industrialists, and super sexy femme fatales out for revenge. If anything they will be tuned in to the channels the crooks in question are using. I hear that these evil genius types are big for places like Monte Carlo or the Caymans this time of year.

Monday, August 23, 2004

Fly Me To The Moon...

So as evidenced in my brief writings on the subject of the USSF and national pride and foreign respect as well as the economic and educational benefits to the space fleet the reasons for mounting such an endeavor are manifold. But perhaps the most important reason for the space fleet is the one that is the hardest to quantify and put into simple words. In short, the space fleet would offer millions of Americans a new lease on life. Be it in the construction, in tours of duty in the Marines, or even the exalted post of Commander of the Fleet, Vice-Admiral of the Skies, the fleet gives Americans something bigger to dream about something larger to work towards as a whole that will challenge us as a people to dream far beyond the stars.

By uniting the varied talents and resources of our nation into the construction of the fleet we will fro the first time ever be able to fulfill our Global Manifest Destiny; a better, brighter world of democracy and freedom for all mankind.

When international peace is enforced by the Northern and Southern Hemispheric Battle Command Groups, imagine what great things we might be able to accomplish with the whole world rallied behind the Fleet. No longer nationalism will stand in the way of social and technological advancement. No longer will fruitless political bickering between nation states over shadow the important issues of world hunger, or world medical crisis. As the Fleet made our nation great by offering jobs to the jobless and hope to the hopeless so will the Fleet offer to the rest of humanity. Suddenly the third world is not so hungry…the Sahara is filled with grain produced with advance hydro farming techniques. Suddenly the first world is not so crowded, as colonists form every walk of life board troop carriers to join the Viceroys of the Moon and Mars in creating new frontiers. Suddenly the mysterious in the hearts of our jungles, the depths of our oceans, and in the frozen wastes of our two poles are open for exploration and for assimilation into the greater World View.

The truth of it all my friends is this; what do you want to do with your life? Do you want to toil away endlessly doing what you can to get by, barley eking out a life for yourself and your family? Or would you rather stand shoulder to shoulder with the best and brightest of your nation, clad in the red and white of the United States Space Fleet, bolding breaking new ground…or…new…um…sky…as we take our rightful place among the stars? I don’t know about you, but for me the choice is clear…

Friday, August 20, 2004

A Brighter Today, Some Time Tomorrow

Due to my busy schedule campaigning for the Fleet I found myself unable to make a point about the economic benefits of mounting such an ordeal. Given that I was hoping to make Thursday a day to speak to the security implications of the Fleet, I will do my humble best to incorporate the two in today’s entry.

The economic advantages to the Space Fleet are as gigantic as the proposed Flagship the USSF Eclipse. First, in the construction of the fleet we will have to employ hundreds if not thousands of scientists in order to bring together the many scattered technologies that are out there that will form the composite parts of the ships. From new synthetic materials for the hulls, to nanotech powered AI to run the cold fusion engines, these scientists will be breaking new ground by laying aside their differences and using synergy and a little old fashioned American ingenuity to take the Space Fleet from the drawing board to the skies. In order to help speed up this R&D Process, the government will have no choice but to open up certain sealed documents it was saving for a rainy day in order to stimulate the

Once we have developed the components needed to get the fleet built we are left with the daunting task of actually putting these pieces together. On average, it can take three to five years to build a contemporary aircraft carrier. To build a standard Omega Class Cruiser, a ship roughly five times as big we would need a huge workforce to get the job done. Suddenly, thousands of skilled and unskilled laborers re at works in the Space Foundries learning new skills that will prepare them for years of gainful and satisfying employment serving the country and providing for their families. All the while, the USSF Command will have to be training the tens of thousands of Space Mariners and Marines, creating yet another fantastic employment opportunity while at the same time creating a whole new class of people that understand and value national pride and moral.

So there you have it. From the R and D to ship support personnel thousands will be hired to make the fleet a reality. Their jobs are never over, for as contemporary military practice has shown us, the second the flagship hits the water…er…air, a new prototype hits the drawing boards. Add to the list of the newly employed the hordes of staff and crew needed to run the fleet at full capacity and I don’t see unemployment being a problem for the Stars and Strips anymore. Factor in the huge reinvestment in America corporations and the government will need to make in order to support the fleet and it is clear to see that this new America is a stronger, safer and more powerful entity then ever before! GO USA!!!

Tuesday, August 17, 2004

Second Star to the Right

As Americans, we are faced with a lot to be concerned with these days. Unemployment, the war in Iraq, the threat of further terrorist attacks, and general uncertainty as to where we are headed cloud our minds and prevent us from moving forward. It is for these reasons that we need a Space Fleet.

Now don’t worry, I’m not advocating an increase in funding to those guys in Cape Canaveral. They look to space as scientists and explorers. I am calling for a new division of the armed forces, one that will focus on developing massive space war ships. Why spend billions of dollars on figuring out if there is water on Mars? Why not funnel that money off into completing work on capital ships that will launch thousands of Space Marines into the upper atmosphere to worlds beyond?

Oh I know what you are thinking: He must be mad! That’s what I thought to when I first imagined a Space Fleet in low orbit as a reminder of the might and majesty of the US of A. That is why I will outline the positive reasons for Space Fleet construction over the course of the next few days and hopefully convince you to vote for the candidate this November that will take us, and orbital warfare, to the stars.

Those of you that think that there is no historical precedent for mounting a Space Fleet are mistaken. In December 1906, Theodore Roosevelt stood on the docks in Virginia and bid farewell to the Atlantic Fleet. Crisply painted white battleships, 16 in all were embarking on a world tour for peace. Roosevelt had many reasons for sending the fleet on this unprecedented voyage. First, it would show the American people just how powerful and well established their country was. Second, the fleet would reinforce to the rest of the world, specifically Japan, that the United States was not to be taken lightly, and that War must be averted at all costs. Third, the trip would generate public interest in the Navy, which would in turn allow the government to approve spending on creating the next generation of ships to further insure our dominance of the seas.

Some detractors laughed at Roosevelt…no such thing had ever been achieved before, and the thought of American Warships engendering a positive response abroad was absurd. Yet in almost every case the Great White Fleet was welcomed with open arms as it made its way around the globe, and Roosevelt was laughing all the way to the bank.

Imagine if you will the positive response that a fleet of warships cruising at 20,000 feet would provoke as we sailed over our allies capital cities today? Capital ships with 5,000 crew, Carrier Class ships able to deploy retrofitted stealth bombers and F-18s at high altitudes, and battle ships that silently glide through the atmosphere far above the dangerous reach of rocket propelled grenades and conventional missals. Each one proudly baring the stars and stripes and constantly reminding people at home and abroad of the industry, advancement, and ingenuity of the United States.

Tomorrow I will talk about the economic upswings to the deployment of the Space Fleet, until then America…

Monday, August 16, 2004


News from the Front Desk

* Today saw great happiness in all the land as the office manager saw fit to install the newest in headset technology to the main console. There was much fanfare and pomp as the headset system in question was lapped around the third floor office three times, once for each of the major divisions of the company that would stand to benefit from this marvel of wireless genius.

* In other news, the Bulletin Board, an item of great importance to the office, known for its sweeping stencil work and collage was horribly defaced today. Security was called to the scene at 9:14 this morning, after intern, Mary Sinclair was found sputtering madly in the corner. Doctors, credit her condition to the shock of seeing the great work of art defaced in such a meaningless way. Cornelius Haversham, creator of the Board was upbeat, at a conference on the roof of the building, where, after shaking a fist at the Heavens the genius decried that, this will only make me stronger! You will pay! The graffiti, since removed, was described as a piece of notebook paper advertising a couch for sale.

* Administrative Assistant for the accounting department, Becky Gerber was complemented today on her fantastic penmanship. This marks the third day in a row that her supervisor, Murray, took the time to point this out. Gerber shared a sly smile with an office mate and was heard saying, he wants me. Real Bad." Gerber is 43, and shares an apartment with her two cats Colonel Boots and Joyfuss.

Thursday, August 05, 2004

Time goes on and as it does I am left with no alternative but to admit that I have really got nothing new to say or do that would be any interest to you, my one reader. So instead of just writing about what I don't have to write about, I decided it would be fun to just makes something up.

Today I got cast in the third starwars movie. I'm going to be pretty sweet.

That lie is infinitely more interesting then my own life at the moment.